A Very Sandy Girl: 2012

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Bring Me To Life

My friend Rezel was laid to rest the other day.

He was only 26.

I feel so sad because we started this journey of being dialysis patients almost at the same time. But he and I took on different strategies in dealing with our condition. Me, I skipped the denial stage and fully embraced the diet and lifestyle principles of an HD patient. He, on the other hand, found it very hard to adjust to our new lives.

We used to laugh about dying, joking and contemplating about death and how it will relieve our families of the burden of keeping us alive. But now that he is gone, and I see how his parents mourn over the loss of a child, I realized that parents will give anything, probably even their own lives, just to keep their children alive.

Though we joke a lot about dying, I never really thought either of us will die this early. He had just 3 years! My other friend, though she was a little older than us, she was 49, passed away about 2 weeks prior to Rezel and he was on dialysis for 5 years.

If i get to choose which way to die, and having seen other patients wait in agony before they expire, having a heart attack is I guess the easiest way out. But this does not scare me any less. Whenever I think about this, which by the way is often, I get into writing frenzy. Writing my last thoughts, if that would be the day I die. Mostly it's a letter addressed to my parents, to my brother, to Chris and to my younger cousins, and putting into words the things I say to God too.

That song Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko always makes me sad and cry a little (or much, depending on how high my toxins are). I never really think I get to grow old and have white hair. This disease have forbid me to think about old age. I am living the old age now with my meds and aches i feel.

I feel sad about growing old because I found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. and it pains me to think that the rest of my life isn't really that long. That is why i make the most out of what i have now. but which frustrates me altogether because it seems like i have resigned to my fate, that I am not putting a fight for my life. But it's not really my call to stay longer or not, right? it's God's. So i ask God to provide for me well so that I'd live more and spend more time with the ones i love.

I really hope to get a transplant soon. I am tired of my dialysis life and resigning to this is like resigning to doom. I want to have a chance, to have a brand new start at life. I hope to think that this episode in my young life, being an ESRF patient since i was 23 was just a stretched out nightmare that I have woken up too.

I'd be like Princess Aurora when the day comes that I wake up, and I am no longer on dialysis!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Come Ride With Me

A joy ride it won't be.

The past days I have been through some emotional rollercoaster ride. Elation, love, fear and frustration, seems to be are my choices for emotional tuning for the day. Worst feeling ever is frustration and cowardice and dissapointment all in one day.

Like right now, I cannot seem to shake of feelings of disappointment and fear, that part of that life i just want to shut down or run away from, like i would just want to switch to my parallel world where everything is okay and bright and sunny.

Though my days are not gloomy all the time, I just tend to make storms out of a glass of water. That's me, pessimist, gloomist (i made that up, one who likes nurtures gloom), or maybe I just have high toxins level these days.

I've had good news, now that I think of it. Not really good news, but more like hopeful news. But a mountain of obstacles I have to pass through before I get to feel the rays of sunshine in those hopes.

I just somehow lost faith in humanity. Well, that's me running away from reality. Guess what, reality sucks, and it takes every amount of courage and faith to not permanently free myself of my harsh reality.

But that would be like giving up on God. Life is not about what I want to feel, does it? Maybe I am here to endure so much pain and pass all through it.

Somebody take the heavy lead out of my chest.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Vincent

There's just some pain you cannot share, even if you are used to thinking that sharing it can lift some of the weight off your chest.

No, some pain are left to be buried to that place where the subconscious silently deal with them, so that your conscious mind can live in peace and serenity.

I've got too much pain in my life that i hid and buried so I would stay Ms. Sunshine. But these skeletons sometimes creep up, at my low points, and have me cry over past grievances that for a long time i thought have been gotten over with.

Right now I just want to disappear, to run away from all the hurt and disappointments for all the waking hours I have to endure. Sleep gives me comfort and avenue to leave the real world. Nightmares are even a welcome friend right now than having to face the enemy that is reality.

How did I end up in this situation I am in? This wasn't part of the bargain really. I long to wake up where everything is bright and sunny. But again I feel like I am Midas, like I sometimes think I am, I bring despair to everything I touch. I am Despair personified. I bring out the worst to all things beautiful.

This on top of being an Angel of Death, as I used to think I am too.

My life revolves around my heart. Always has, always will be. I just wish I had a tough heart. A heart like a sponge that could take in all the punches of life's reality. With this kind of heart, even if I didn't have kidney problem, I would probably still die young, I strain my heart too much for feeling to much passion, fear, anger, hope and expectations, trust and betrayal. I feel this feelings many times more than a normal person.Yeah, I have a big heart. Quite literally too.

My life is in shambles right now. It's not as everybody seems it is. It's not always sunny in Philadelphia really. But I like there's more sunshine than the rain and winds and hails really.

I used to think Life is What You Make It, but getting sick was never in the plan, so that changed my view about the philosophy. But right here, right now, my life is how it is because I made it to be this way. I am sole responsible to where I am right now, well, not counting being sick. It's just me feeling too much again.

Just how melancholic my life is, my current soundtrack would VINCENT right now.. Coincidentally, my favorite painting is van gough's Starry Starry Night

At times like this, when there is so much emotion but I just can't express it directly, I sorel wish I was artist, be it a poet, lyricist, painter or composer just so I can express in an indirect way how I feel and create something so heartbreakingly beautiful masterpieces with my pain. And then I'd be rich. Hello Adele.

The song just really soothe my heart and my confusion about love and life and belonging in this world. Better put in words in these lines:

For they could not love you, but still your love was true....But I could have told you Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..

#GoodLuck #Promo #ChooseMe

I joined this online contest. All I have to do is tweet a gazillion reasons (well, just one reason really, then I go around it, tweeking it in every tweet), and then hopefully, the guys over at SMARTCOMMUNICATIONS choose my answer to their question:

WHY DO YOU DESERVE TO WIN ONE OF THE #SMARTGALAXYNOTE2.

Tweets

Oh well. Winners will be announced within the week. SO WISH ME LUCK!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Nothing More Than Feelings

I was having this conversation yesterday during my dialysis and, like in most conversation about life, i come up with realizations about my views, thoughts and perceptions about life and about myself.

So yesterday I realized how my actions and whole being and my social interactions is directly related to how I feel to that person, to that circumstance. Mostly how I act and how I succeed and perform my duties is based on my relationship with that person or my feeling at that particular moment in time.

Ex. 1. If I hate my teacher, that subject would be my lowest grade for that semester
2. If my bestfriend and I had an argument, I won't go to school the next day
3. If I am annoyed with C, I won't cook our meals at all
4. If I am stressed/annoyed for a long period, my body shuts down (hello hospital)
5. When I hate you, I hate you. If your my friend, i am fiercely loyal, and you can abuse me. *bad*

For most of me, I am who I am because this is how I was raised. I can freely show my feelings, whether love, hate, forgiveness, annoyance, because of my training at home when I was young. At home, every dinner, or while watching tv, my mom, along with my dad, and bever, they make me enumerate everything that happened in school, including crushes. My mom tells me, there's nothing she hates more than not knowing what I am up to and then hearing it from somebody else. So all the time, I try to do only the things that I can tell to my mother, I try as possible to keep nothing from her. But of course, like any kid, teenager, and woman, there are things we don't tell. And these things I don't tell my mother, are things I know that are wrong. haha!

Being transparent of my feelings is a gift and a curse. A gift because I rarely have regrets in terms of telling people how much I love them when I had the chance because I always have said love when I had the chance.

Sometimes being transparent is a curse, because people will know if they annoy me. I am rarely plastic, and when I have to pretend we are okay, it's the hardest acting I have to do in my life really. I hate it when I had to pretend about how I feel, to stay calm when I am really angry. But I flare up sometimes. And it stresses me out.

But I am never scandalosa. Sometimes I wish I am, that would be pure drama! hahaha. But I am not, I try getting back subtly, like making that person more green with envy with my happiness and I don't care what you think about me attitude.. As someone posted on FB: BE HAPPY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE YOU......IT KILLS THEM!

In the end, I try to make a happy nest and keep a harmonious relationship with the people I interact with everyday because that is the only way I thrive. I thrive in happiness, peace and honesty.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Bipolar Mode

The past days, I've been pretty unproductive and bored. I get motivated at doing something then lose interest the next day. It's a never ending battle with myself.

There's just so many things I want to do, to get done and so little opportunities, resources and strength.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ten Years

A doctor once told me I'd be lucky if I get to live 10 years on HD. 15 years if I live in Japan.

I started at 24, add 10 years to that, and Goodbye Earth at 34, that according to medical standards.

The past 2 years and 8 months, I accepted my fate without protest. I had to. It was easier that way to accept what happened than rebel against it. But now, I feel like, all this acceptance makes me think, have I given up my future and live the remaining years I have, or should I fight for a better future, a future where I can somehow live a life where I can have choices, and I will have chances?

Getting a transplant gives hope that somehow I could live well beyond 34. But now that I think about it, when the time comes for my kidneys to fail again, the cycle will go over again, Me getting dialysis. At that time, maybe I'd have no financing for HD anymore. Buying time, that's what transplant provides. But it comes with a high price. A risk that anytime before I reach 34 that I might die too, in an instant, just one infection and Poof!

Wanting to get a transplant makes me human. It's natural to Want for transplant. It's not natural to just accept and move on. All this time, I have suppressed the dreams of getting married, having kids, growing old, because it will just make my life right now hard, and my way of dealing with depressing thoughts like wanting those things but not getting them is to just entirely delete that fantasy.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Fear precedes every thought about happiness. It's easier to choose the negative or to be passive. But it doesn't get me anywhere.

I could spend years and years circling around this idea in my head or I could get a transplant, while pondering in this thread of thought, then 2 years will pass without me noticing it, and Boom! I get a brand new start at life!

But will there be a better life for me after transplant? I guess I need to believe I'd have. Or else I really won't have.

If only anyone knows the kind of life I have in mind. I really don't think transplant life will any way remotely similar to what I have in mind. As I said, thoughts of blissful happiness scares me. Failure scares me. The dreams I have will probably remain dreams after transplant. (I will be seriously depressed by then).

Only upside will be, I get to eat truckloads of fruits and veggies and I can pee! hahahaha

i totally forgot what it feels like to pee! :D

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Friends as Angels

When I got sick, I had no choice but to scale down my life, my thoughts and my plans. Everything is in slow motion. It was a bummer for someone who lives in haze, always chasing something (gee, not someone, or didn't I? hahaha) and always dreaming and planning for something grand in life.

ESRD (End Stage Renal Failure) changed that. And even I could not believe how I managed to adapt this attitude and way of thinking in a snap. But I know I had to. Even back then, it stuck in my head what Mandy Moore said in A Walk To Remember. She said "I do not want to be angry with God. God has better plans for me than I have for myself". And also this personal plea to God I made when I passed the board exam, saying "God, if my plans will make me a bad person, then by all means, take it away. Your will be done."

With this at heart, it did not really hurt or I wasn't really angry when the things I thought was best for me was taken from me. Separation anxiety yes, but I think my faith is far greater than I think it is. Maybe that's why I am able to breeze through my situation with a smile because I realized early on that there are things that are out of our control.

I learned to be patient. I learned to let go of unnecessary feelings (this was hard, but I think I should say I am learning, haha). But there are things that are hard to change. I am still feisty. And I still get annoyed when someone/something bugs me.

But I also learned to appreciate and recognize God's everyday little miracles in my life. Blessings I noticed before I got sick, but seldom do I say "Wow, you're my angel", like a direct gift from God.

My angels are in the form of friends. Old friends, new friends. I am glad I have them all.

My old friends, I love them and keep them close to my heart because they are the living proof that I am a nice person, contrary to popular notion. hehe.. They are like walking diaries of me as a person too. They are like sisters or cousins that you grown up with and just have that special bond.

Friends truly are angels. They help me out with getting on with my daily life. I have to admit I need others to help me through with my days, be it doing the grocery, just someone to talk to, taking care of me when I get sick, and others help me out with my medical needs.. (For a time, a lot of nurses were my angels too. I truly did appreciate their kindness and friendship to me. But a witch strayed some of them away. hahaha.. )

I got inspired to write this piece because, admittedly, we are tightening our belts now with our finances, so it's such a blessing when a family friend donated a week's worth of dialysis fee, then some family members handed out medical supplies for over a month. That's already a huge help! And these helps always come in the time when we really need it.

So I just really want to thank these people even through this blog and let them know how grateful i am with their thoughtfulness.

PRICE TAG

Cost Of Sustaining an Adult Child on Dialysis (MONTHLY)

Dialysis Cost....................................P15,500 or $370.00
Epogen Injection................................P 4,400 or $105.00
Medicine Maintenance........................P 1,300 or $ 31.00
Dialyzer............................................ P 2,800 or $67.00
TOTAL.............................................P24,000 or $ 572.00

COST OF LIVING
FOOD...........................................P4,200 or $100
HOUSE.........................................P3,500 or $ 83
POWER........................................P2,500 or $60
TOTAL.........................................P10,200 or $243

GRAND TOTAL...............................P34,200 OR $815.00

My dad has been out of work for 5 months now, and our savings are fast draining. With this rate and only our means to support my medication, I don't think I get to live for the years i still want to.

Sad reality of my situation. My mind is racing as to what gigs to do in order to earn money to add to our medication fund. And I could only do much. Sometimes I feel so trapped in this weak body, my mind so agile but my body could not keep up. I consciously have to slow down my thoughts and my plans so that my body can keep up with it.

But I pray, pray, pray... Asking for God for good graces. Not just money. But good health for me, for my parents, brother and loved ones. I pray that my friends and family be rich so that they will be able to share their blessings to me too when they feel generous.

Money scares the hell out of me. i believe one should not live to worry about money. One should not worry about money. People should only be worried about relationship with God and with people. Not with money.

But I live in the real world now. My bubble was burst years ago. That life is just a dream now. I know it once happened. I won't get to wonder if that life we had ever happened, because I know it did. Because when I was in it, I did not take it for granted. I lived everyday through it, grateful about having a good life that we had.

Today is still a good life. I could not complain. I am still so far blessed. No point really of being depressed of a life lost because I was always taught that nothing lasts forever so cherish something while you can.

One thing I know, I don't want my parents to go poor. They don't deserve it. They are the most loving and the best people I know. I just love them so much that I wish the best for them.

One way or another, I have to find a way to keep us safe and comforted.

One thing I need to learn though. To not be scared of death. I need to grow in me that if I am to be the Christian that I should be, I should not be afraid of death. Death is one step closer to be with the Creator. I need to learn how to be a good Christian. It's a hard job. I have not even memorized THE 10 COMMANDMENTS. but i know I honor my mother and father.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Insatiable, The Way I'm Loving You

I am obsessive. Not the neatfreak type, but in the indulgent/hedonist kind. I have been obsessive before I got sick, but since I got diagnosed, I give in to my obsessive tendency more passionately than before to the point that my moods and will to live depend on having something or someone to obsess with.

When I want, or like something, I would want to use it, or smell it, or taste it or do whatever sense it ignites in me as often as I could and when I am over it, I kind of not want it anymore ever at all.

I have obsessed with a lot of stuffs the past years I am sick. Jollibee's peach mango pie, I would eat 6 pies in a day, siomai from chowking every dialysis session for months, my once favorite pairs of shoes (one pair at a time, I would use it for straight 3 months for example, and not use it for the next 6 months), using one bag everyday for months.

Since getting sick, maybe out of sheer boredom, I developed a very keen sense of smell. My brother would tease me I am a sniffing dog because my nose buds are just so sensitive.. I would obsessively pour cleaning agents in my bathroom and forbid everyone else to use it because I just could not stand the smell of pee. Now that I need to share the bathroom, I always have a stash of cleaning powder at hand, and pour out generous amount everytime I smell a hint of pee.

Albatross. Can I just say, I am obsessed with that thing? Is there anyone else who likes to smell albatross even outside the bathroom? I know it's not good for me, but I just can't help it. I have that little bomb 24/7 in the bathroom, in my bedroom and in the kitchen. I would sniff on it for about 2 times, and then I feel like I would throw up. And then I get a little high. When doing grocery, it's the first aisle I go to.

Apart from Albatross, I do love the smell of detergents. My favorite aisle in the grocery would have to be the laundry powder detergents. I would linger in it for minutes before choosing my favorite cheap brand.

With clothes, well I need to change clothes everyday, don't I? But I was never a fashion conscious type of woman in the sense that, I don't care if my clothes are outdated, not in fashion for as long as they are comfortable and not baduy to look at.

I guess it helps that I am not fashion conscious and I like to obsess about one thing at a time because I don't have to spend serious money just to gratify an obsession with fashion. I even envy girls who are into fashion, and I admire their love for fashion because that is not something I could feel for. Maybe they don't envy me for wanting to have the latest issues of Yummy or Entrepreneur or my frustration over a new Paulo Coelho book I could not afford to buy, but I strongly believe our obsession for those 2 different things are equally passionate.

There's one gratification that gives me a little high and kick of excitement. Buying new things! I am a girl after all. But aside from books that makes me happy like drug addicts would feel when they get high, I like buying beauty products. Being sick makes me obsessed with my physical appearance. Weight, not so much. But with skin, I am totally into trying to make it look as normal as I could, and try to hide the effects of dialysis in it.

I went to the derma the other day because I freaked on a dry patch of skin in my lower lip, and he said it's dry skin.. Good thing I bought a stash of HHN products hoping it could quench the dryness of my face and body. So now, everday, I browse at HHN's website undecided whether or not I will register or not, weighing the pros and cons of it, where I could save the most.

Also these days, I am obsessed with earning money. It's why I am having pimples. It is by far the most stressful obsession I have. There is that desire in me that I know I can succeed with whatever raket I make myself do but I just don't have the guts and the confidence I can do it.. But I will have to work on it out.

Getting sick gives me the privilege to indulge on whatever I set my mind with for as long as it's legal and safe for my health. There is that sense of urgency in sick people like me. The need to express what I have in mind, what I feel, to express love, anger, and frustration with much more gusto than unsick people. To experience the things I want to experience while I still can.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Somebody Save Me

Things are definitely changing these days. I am not sure all are for the better but from where I am standing, things are moving/changing beyond my control and all I can do is stand aside and watch the things I love dear slip away and me slowly adapting new habits and convictions.

Right now I feel confused, alone and scared of the many changes I feel are coming my way. Yet at the same time, I try to brush off these fears, thinking this is just a phase, hoping this isn't permanent, and one day soon things will bounce back to where it was before.

My mind tells me everything will be okay, that whatever happens, I will be able to handle it, just like I have before with the many disappointments and frustrations and heartbreak I had. But my body no longer have the coping ability my mind has. It's just been days of this cloud of uncertainty hovering above me, but I can slowly feel the toll it has on my body. I started to wear patch again, I sleeping position is back to when I was sick again, and I just feel this little tug, a little but heavy tug in my heart again, and getting worried knowing only one brand of medication can treat this condition I have, something my doctor, no matter how brilliant he is cannot prescribe to me.

And it's something I cannot help. I am just wired this way. And it isn't just a metaphor when I say, Love will keep me alive. Because it's one of the things that's keeping me alive (aside from God still wanting me to be alive).

So now I hope for the best and at the same time fears for the worse. I am scared the length of self-destruction I will subconsciously do to myself. It is not something I can help either. When I am hurt, I rebel and unintentionally put my life and health on the line.

Dear God, please make everything okay and well for me sooner than later, before I can hurt myself more with this hurt and anger I try to hide.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Good Morning Sunshine

Mornings like today, I feel a tad more grateful for waking up. Then I get to wonder if other people notice and give thanks that they have woken up today or don't really think about it, taking each morning for granted and not reflect a little on how each morning is an extension of yesterday and today is a gift really.

At times when problems come my way, specially about money, or I have squabbles with loved ones, I automatically feel like, "I hate my life, I want to die". Maybe it's my circumstance now, or I the fact that I am overly insecure about many things in my life, my hope jar is almost always empty, or I am just predisposed to get depressed because of my toxins level. At that moment of confusion and trouble, I almost always want to give up, thinking I don't have a friggin chance in this life, but not totally giving up, I wait just for another day, then things come around, my head clears up, my temper wears down, and solutions and help from out of nowhere, people, things who out of the blue help me and make my life better.

So today is Black Saturday, I am eating binignit because it's Holy Week and everyone eats binignit, not even being an HD patient can stop me from having a spoonful or.. a bowl of it. Lol.. I just want to say I am thankful and grateful for the key people in my life, for God's gift of life, which is still a good one despite being it's not.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Changing Seasons Every Now And Then

Seems like my endorphine is higher than my serotinin level these days. I'm talking about the hormones that enslaves my moods, in case you aren't familiar. On a happier side of the world right now, even a 2,000 level of creatinine (toxin in the blood with normal rate of <200) can't bring me down.

I am happy because I am preoccupied again. I love it when I am busy. It makes me want to hope and to look forward for a better tomorrow. It gives me a chance to dream and believe that one day soon things will be better. I don't want to sound ungrateful, of course I am still thankful of what I have now (than thinking what I don't have) but human as I am, I do want some better things in my life, though not the impossible things like me waking up and realize this is all but a bad dream (I am realistic about this), just for a few things like finding a sponsor other than my parents to pay for my medications or get a transplant minus ALL the hassles.

Anyway let's not talk about my sad story because I intend to blog about the happy part of me right now. :D

So remember about all the hate and the heartbreak last week? Well, that was last week! Hahaha Thank God for that! Just when I thought things will turn for the worse, my life have been better than it was a week before last week.

My lovelife is better after the storm. Turns out C wanted to stay and loves me really after all. He even brought his dog Shadow to our house when he came back! Now I still have my man, a dog and a hobby to keep me busy and earning (though a little at a time, but hey, great things start with small beginnings right?)

So today I woke up refreshed but my butt muscles hurt a little from all the sitting I did last monday to make my goodies! One day soon, when I could perfect the process I can go public. But right now, it's just a few friends and family to try and buy.. Sort of testing phase but I need to sell them to recover the costs! hahaha

I really just hope I could keep up this excited level and could go on and make an earning out of this.

This, and my online job is getting okay. Scheduled training will be next week. I was hoping it be this week so I could start clocking already. But patience is a virtue!

I just really need to be my own pep squad, cheering in my head "You can do this, Sandy!" hahaha

And oh, just really want to thank God for all the friends and family and family and friends's friends for being nice to me and helping out in their little or big ways. I have always thought how I feel like they are my angels sometimes. Whenever help is given out of the blue, or do a favor that definitely makes my life so much easier. Thanks a bunch! But I still do pray, one day soon, someone will be able to help us on our medication expenses. Maybe not out of their own pockets but I know in many ways, help could be given.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Shopping Therapy

I am not one to use shopping in my buying spree because I still have to make some cost/benefit calculations but today I was close to feeling what it's like to shop. hahaha

My boss gave me spa money as bonus for being his bookkeeper the past 7 months. but I didn't spend it on mani/pedi as agreed. Instead, I went to buy some baking utensils and start up ingredients for the hobby I decided to start.

It's a little liberating now that I have my very own set of measuring cup, measuring spoons, cooking tray and strainer. woohoo! I feel like I am my mom when she was just starting with her kitchen utensils some 26 years ago... And it's from my own money! Yehey I am so happy.

It definitely like a new start for me. This could be what it feels like to have a bone marrow transplant! Lol., Like the immune system got a reboot..

So now the next step is to have enough tyaga to start baking what I am supposed to bake my just bought ingredients then...

Wish me Luck!

Passive Aggressive

Suri and I have been exchanging storm reports the past days. No, we are not weather forecasters now (we wish we are), but we are having storms in different regions of our lives. Me with my lovestorm signal #5 and she with workstorm signal #5 too.. #5 by the way is at that point where taking a knife and slowly, painfully cutting ourselves to death is better than letting others hurt us with their meanness. Of course all in metaphor. Lol (we talk about suicide as often as we talk about blind items).

So anway, my lovestorm, this by far one of the worst I have with C. Right now I feel so betrayed, with or without valid proof/reason, the point is I feel betrayed when I shouldn't be. I don't know what to think or who to believe anymore.

Of course my heart wants to believe whatever C says, but I wonder if he's telling the truth, and if he is lying, why would he lie? I told him many times the past days to end things with me, to leave me, if he doesn't feel the same way about me, if he thinks I am not enough for him.

I cried, oh I cried buckets, ran out of my iterax stash, slept most of my hours, and have not been eating properly. I just feel so betrayed and humiliated at the same time.

I love him. God knows how I love him, He knows how much I love him.

Honestly I am not sure if he feels the same way. One thing is clear, his actions and words are contracting each other, contradicting and inconsistent. So I am left confused and trying to decipher what he means with what he say and with what he do.

I don't want to sound like I'm Rapunzel here, but I did ask him to leave me if he doesn't think I am enough for him, that I am not the One. That I am a waste of time. I told him I have just enough time to experience love and happiness and I don't want to spend my remaining years/days/months to be with someone who is not happy to be with me, which makes me upset even more.

I told him that it's better we separate at a time when we still have respect with each other, end amicably at that point when he realizes I am not The One, rather than at the point where he leaves me because he has found That One person.

But right now, we are still together. Is that an assurance that I have his heart and it isn't wandering around like some girl wants to make me think?

I am in a mess right now. I don't know what to think. What to believe. I don't trust him just yet again. Maybe it's better not to.

I just wish he makes up his mind about us to get this over with.

At the end of the day, it's still a little comforting knowing that he is with me. Quite literally. And maybe one day soon, we can patch things up and heal my broken heart.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

ME AND MY SUNSHINE

My recent posts were pretty intense. I just lost my cool for a moment and blew my top off with some issues.

See, the past months, specifically the time i started going steady with Henry, I decided to go under the radar so that I won't attract any jeje's attention and haters and bashers alike. For me, being incognito was sign that I am in an adult relationship, a real one at that, and no more parading of pictures lest I attract jealous and miserable people.

Hell, I even changed FB accounts and moved to twitter to feed my social networrking needs. I just needed some avenue to express myself. But issues follow me. Dili man ta ko artista. I do not have a spectacular life, though I am a little condescending when I say I am not interesting (of course I am, and besides I can claim all I want here, this is my blog).

Which brings me to point out, WHY ON EARTH the things I say and the things I do affect some people? Why do I gain haters and bashers when I was just minding my own business. I know I have appeal and charm, and I'm a little smart (hahahahaha) but is it so much that people rally and unite against me?

WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

My life is always perfect until the kontrabida comes along and people I got along well become minions all of a sudden.

Oh well, at the end of the day, bash all you like, I won't mind from now on.

DROWN IN YOUR PUDDLE OF DROOL.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sunshire No More

It's hard when a person is going through a rough road and there's no one she can turns to for help, advice or just someone to walk the mile with, even if she just be on the stony path and the friend on the smooth side.

It is harder still when you know for a fact that there are a lot of people wanting to see you break down, to reap everything what's left of you even if you have been robbed in the past. It's like, some people just could not bear to see even a glimmer of happiness in you despite being in a dark place. They just want to see you at your lowest, not feel good about yourself, so they can tell themselves how better off they are than you are.

Whenever I am down like this, when what little happiness is taken from me, I feel really hopeless and ungrateful of what I have and all the more wishing I could sleep, maybe induce some coma, so I could forget and not think. And just let time pass by without taking it's toll on my emotions. Maybe that's the reason why I have been sleeping a lot lately again, taking iterax for dreamless sleeps.

It's even so tempting to take more iterax than I should at times. But I wouldn't because I am one big coward. When I am hurt, I like to hurt myself more, finding power and the feeling of being in control. I often think of slashing a vein somewhere just to see it bleed and just to feel some pain, pain that I cause to myself and not by somebody else. But I guess I am really that big coward, I just won't do it. Like many things, I just think about it. Everything happens in my mind.

So now I am left to sort this out again by myself. No friends to talk it over with because, hell, we all live in a perfect world now. Well I think they are, and damaged pieces like me have no place in their perfect little worlds. So it's just me and my problems now.

Die Bitches

I am so mad right now that I could kill a person or maybe a group of persons. And there's a lot of killing to do.. Maybe I should just all poison them? I hate it when I am crossed, I get really, really mad.

Maybe the hate inside me would burn me out and that my heart will just stop out of anger. Maybe that's better. Right now, I don't want to feel anything. Or maybe feel other feelings than this. Maybe it's better if I just kill myself with anything than be killed by other people's doing.

I try to be the best I can be, but maybe it isn't enough. It is never enough. It wasn't enough then, why would I think it be enough now? Or maybe there are just so many evil and selfish persons in the world more than there are good people. More people who are more miserable than I am that they couldn't think of other person's feelings.

Geez, I still wish someone will drop dead right now. I could see the face in my mind, such a bitch. Well the person is.. Desperate one too. Too desperate perhaps.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

IF I HAVE AMNESIA

It's been ages and I still have not talked much about my relationship with C and what a sunshine he is to my grey and dismal life. It's kinda hard to talk about happiness actually because I find a little on the bragging side. And I don't want to talk about happy things to the general public because my happiness may not be their brand of happiness too. Also the thought that, the best things are left unblogged. LOL But then I worry what if I have amnesia, if I don't talk about it, or write about it, how will I be reminded of the good times and happy times I have with C?

I don't think I can come up with words that would give justice as to how exactly my life is with C. We have issues, yes, heck we are not rich (yet.. hahaha) but right now it seems to not matter. I am not exactly sure if the feelings and thoughts are reciprocated ha, I am not that totally assuming, there's still a bit part of me thinking what if he doesn't feel the same thing, blah, blah, blah.... But right now it doesn't matter. And it's not what I want to talk about right now.

I am in an unconventional arrangement with C. Others will think it's improper and disapprove about it, but I could only care less. I am at a point in my life where everything is a bonus. So I just enjoy each blessing that comes my way and not really care about social perceptions much anymore.

So TO MYSELF WITH AMNESIA: I want to remind myself that I am in a relationship with Chris right here, right now. He's Mr. Nice Guy (for all that it means), he cracks up with my silly and corny jokes, he has eyes that smiles, he's tall, he's handsome (hahaha..), he washes the dishes and the laundry too. I like picking whiteheads on his nose just before bedtime, he doesn't like tomato seeds, hates fish sauce, doesn't like sweets, loves to tease me endlessly until I get annoyed, hates PDA, loves Lucy (that's me!).

Escape to Paradise

I am probably suppressing depression these days because I have been indulging with my brand of drug - endorphins! Not to worry there, it's perfectly natural. I am not going to tell you what because it's kinda embarrassing let alone sad. But it makes me happy when I am in that state and everything is possible when my endorphins are on high.

Hopes and dreams are in the horizon again, which makes me a little happy and well, hopeful in my more somber hours. But again I remind myself to slow down with the plans and being hopeful because I don't like to be crashed when plans don't push through and it creates another problem as to how to cheer myself up again.

Now that I think of it, I am reminded of the song dad used to sing me to sleep when I was a kid. Back then I thought the song is a very sad song. Who knew that song would perfectly fit my circumstance now. Is it a mere coincidence or was it a hint even at a very young age that I am my life is going to be like this?

Other thoughts:

I learned about a very disturbing incident with a necrophilia which made me a bit worried when I am dead. But then I remember I am sure Uncle MC will make sure I will be respected at that point in time of my life (is it still part of my life? haha).. He's an assistant embalmer after all! I am confident he won't let something like that happen to me.

Which reminds me at the time when I had a procedure done at NKTI.. I am not sure what it's called but something to do with checking the large intestines. So I was given a sedative and was told to lower my undies.. Then I was put out. #scary The next thing I know, I woke up on a gurney in a corridor waiting for my next laboratory procedure with my undies on, of course.. I had no recollection as to what happened to me for a whole hour (or less). I did not even dreamed or anything! As in I just passed out.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Henry + Lucy

I am currently going through something right now which I just can't share yet, or maybe ever, but who knows.

So I will try to skirt away with the issue but as you may know me, I tend to give myself away with my endless rants.

So okay, I want to talk about my relationship because I don't talk about it here much because it's one of the few things that makes me so happy and I only tend to write about things that pisses me off. I don't want those who will read this blog years after I am gone that I was such a lonely old maid.

For the record, right now, and for the past 15 months, I am a happy woman. hahaha

When I got sick, I lost the things that I thought my life was all about. Career, independence, lovelife (this last thing was the best thing to ever happen, you'll find out why in a bit). Literally, I woke up at 7:30 on that fateful Friday morning, July 26, 2008 and the life I know seemed like the last night's dream. Days, months and now years, that followed that day was an endless and countless trips to different doctors and hospitals and clinics to get 2nd, 3rd and even 4th opinion on the first diagnosis that they have on me. That I, Sandra Nikolai Torres, CPA, 23 years old have and END STAGE RENAL FAILURE and will soon be on dialysis.

I lost all hope. Since I was a kid, all I really want in life is to fall in love and be loved by the same person. I know it may sound silly to many, but to each his own, right? It may be easy for many to have that, but it was a dream for me because I was not carved to be in a relationship. You see, I am an independent, go-getter kind of gal and my other dream, the one I was set to achieve was to become very rich and successful because I wanted to give my parents a luxurious retirement.

When I got sick, that piece of ___ broke up with me. But as I said, it was the best thing to have happened with me getting sick. But I also thought that now that I am sick, there's no way I will ever have a boyfriend again. Who would like me? And besides I am always in the hospital, there's no way I'd get to meet someone new to be more than friends with, right?

Wrong. hahaha

Then C came along and everything seems a little brighter and I am whole lot happier..I hate to admit it, but yes, I am one lucky girl. hahaha

Before C, I never have much thought about the future because I don't have one (just being a realist here). But with C now, I hope for a better future. I hope I will still be here when the future comes. I hope for many things, but all of this with C in it. Am I nurturing a false hope? Maybe. But right now I don't care, I am happy where I am now. So come what may! When this ends, I will be devastated but right now I can say, it will be worth it.

I love you C. And thanks for making me happy everyday.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Keep me Pinterested

Having 'unclean' blood most of the time (it gets 'cleaned' only during dialysis), I tend to be down, not totally depressed, but more like uninspired. And I hate it when I am uninspired because it makes me question whether or not I still have a future or what good does it make if I get to live/hope for many years to come and nothing to live for? I hate it when my life seems unexciting, or nothing inspires me or thrills me because I just sulk a little and get into mood swings that annoy loved ones.

And so everyday, I try to find things that livens up my bored and monotonous life (that's me being ungrateful, sorry). Right now I am still waiting for Pinterest invite so I can make a virtual collage of things that drifts me off to sleep, kinda private (is it just me or does that sound a little kinky? LOL). I plan not to share it yet, maybe soon, I hope not too soon but one day I will get to share it.

I am waltzing in the kitchen now too which I never got to do growing up. School, boarding house, and work kept me out of the kitchen most of the time. Though I know a few baking skills. And I am rediscovering cooking right now with ingredients I never got to use before and I am always surprised if the dish is eatable and get rave review by well, one loyal patron. hahaha, It's so fun to cook and be able to eat it too, but I hate the dishwashing after.

I hate this cycle lang, of being hyper then down then hyper again then down again. It just goes on and on and on and I can't help what I feel. But it's good right, being able to feel means I am still alive and I am still human, so I might as well jump in the cart and enjoy this rollercoaster kind of life.

Transplant, Musings, and Permanent Residency in Heaven

Women my age probably worry themselves about their relationships, at what age to marry, where to have vacations, what to wear and any other women my age worry about.

I, on the other hand, worry about what to finance my ongoing-until-forever dialysis treatment and the most important decision I will ever have to make, even more important than choosing the man to marry, whether or not I will get a transplant and that decision has to be made sooner than later before the complications of being on dialysis catches up and I will no longer be a candidate for transplant.

Tough spot to be in right now. I so want a transplant now but it scares the hell out of me. It scares me because I do not understand why I want to live so badly. It feels like that is very un-Christian of me to want to live longer. Have I become so worldly now to want to hold on to this life for as long as I can? I hold on to living because it's the only life I know, the uncertainty of death scares me. And this itself scares me more because it only means I don't trust God that much and what he promises in the afterlife if I have these worries, right? I need to chalk up on my faith more now, so that I won't have these worries and thoughts. But I am a big procrastinator. I really have to work on my faith asap.

Back on transplant, I was not in a hurry about it before, thinking the need and the resources will come at the right time. Now, two of the conditions have been met, 1) Transplant can now be done in CDO, and 2) I have desired to get a transplant now.

Other concerns I will have to work on it now, the financing and of course, The Donor. I still don't have a donor right now but I am hoping to get one soon.

But all these things have to wait on hold until Dad goes back to work again, and Brother can join him as well as Henry.

It's been almost 4 years since I woke up on that fateful Friday morning in this living nightmare. But this nightmare I have come to embrace, accept, loved and thankful of, because nightmare as it is, it is the only life I get to live now. The people around me, the people loving me and making my life a whole lot easier for me to live on, are the ones giving it color and sunshine and makes me appreciate what I have instead of pining for the things I don't have. I feel blessed because God gave me this opportunity to appreciate and be thankful for the every comfort I have and have experienced while I was well.

I always believed that LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT but I changed my view when I got sick, because I realized there are things that are out of our control, but after taking the backseat for a while, sulking, thinking how unfair life is sometimes, and after realizing that I still have a chance to be better while I am still breathing, I realized that I still have a choice, that I can still have a LIFE AS I MAKE IT even as a sick person. I just have to do what I can given the limited resources I have (and I mean, the energy, health and limited activities I can do) and I am all set making my life better. Preparing my spirit to be a permanent resident in heaven.

As my college classmate used to say, ANG IMPORTANTE MAHILANGIT.. :D

Sandy Girl