Right now I feel confused, alone and scared of the many changes I feel are coming my way. Yet at the same time, I try to brush off these fears, thinking this is just a phase, hoping this isn't permanent, and one day soon things will bounce back to where it was before.
My mind tells me everything will be okay, that whatever happens, I will be able to handle it, just like I have before with the many disappointments and frustrations and heartbreak I had. But my body no longer have the coping ability my mind has. It's just been days of this cloud of uncertainty hovering above me, but I can slowly feel the toll it has on my body. I started to wear patch again, I sleeping position is back to when I was sick again, and I just feel this little tug, a little but heavy tug in my heart again, and getting worried knowing only one brand of medication can treat this condition I have, something my doctor, no matter how brilliant he is cannot prescribe to me.
And it's something I cannot help. I am just wired this way. And it isn't just a metaphor when I say, Love will keep me alive. Because it's one of the things that's keeping me alive (aside from God still wanting me to be alive).
So now I hope for the best and at the same time fears for the worse. I am scared the length of self-destruction I will subconsciously do to myself. It is not something I can help either. When I am hurt, I rebel and unintentionally put my life and health on the line.
Dear God, please make everything okay and well for me sooner than later, before I can hurt myself more with this hurt and anger I try to hide.
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