Passive Aggressive

Suri and I have been exchanging storm reports the past days. No, we are not weather forecasters now (we wish we are), but we are having storms in different regions of our lives. Me with my lovestorm signal #5 and she with workstorm signal #5 too.. #5 by the way is at that point where taking a knife and slowly, painfully cutting ourselves to death is better than letting others hurt us with their meanness. Of course all in metaphor. Lol (we talk about suicide as often as we talk about blind items).

So anway, my lovestorm, this by far one of the worst I have with C. Right now I feel so betrayed, with or without valid proof/reason, the point is I feel betrayed when I shouldn't be. I don't know what to think or who to believe anymore.

Of course my heart wants to believe whatever C says, but I wonder if he's telling the truth, and if he is lying, why would he lie? I told him many times the past days to end things with me, to leave me, if he doesn't feel the same way about me, if he thinks I am not enough for him.

I cried, oh I cried buckets, ran out of my iterax stash, slept most of my hours, and have not been eating properly. I just feel so betrayed and humiliated at the same time.

I love him. God knows how I love him, He knows how much I love him.

Honestly I am not sure if he feels the same way. One thing is clear, his actions and words are contracting each other, contradicting and inconsistent. So I am left confused and trying to decipher what he means with what he say and with what he do.

I don't want to sound like I'm Rapunzel here, but I did ask him to leave me if he doesn't think I am enough for him, that I am not the One. That I am a waste of time. I told him I have just enough time to experience love and happiness and I don't want to spend my remaining years/days/months to be with someone who is not happy to be with me, which makes me upset even more.

I told him that it's better we separate at a time when we still have respect with each other, end amicably at that point when he realizes I am not The One, rather than at the point where he leaves me because he has found That One person.

But right now, we are still together. Is that an assurance that I have his heart and it isn't wandering around like some girl wants to make me think?

I am in a mess right now. I don't know what to think. What to believe. I don't trust him just yet again. Maybe it's better not to.

I just wish he makes up his mind about us to get this over with.

At the end of the day, it's still a little comforting knowing that he is with me. Quite literally. And maybe one day soon, we can patch things up and heal my broken heart.