Vincent

There's just some pain you cannot share, even if you are used to thinking that sharing it can lift some of the weight off your chest.

No, some pain are left to be buried to that place where the subconscious silently deal with them, so that your conscious mind can live in peace and serenity.

I've got too much pain in my life that i hid and buried so I would stay Ms. Sunshine. But these skeletons sometimes creep up, at my low points, and have me cry over past grievances that for a long time i thought have been gotten over with.

Right now I just want to disappear, to run away from all the hurt and disappointments for all the waking hours I have to endure. Sleep gives me comfort and avenue to leave the real world. Nightmares are even a welcome friend right now than having to face the enemy that is reality.

How did I end up in this situation I am in? This wasn't part of the bargain really. I long to wake up where everything is bright and sunny. But again I feel like I am Midas, like I sometimes think I am, I bring despair to everything I touch. I am Despair personified. I bring out the worst to all things beautiful.

This on top of being an Angel of Death, as I used to think I am too.

My life revolves around my heart. Always has, always will be. I just wish I had a tough heart. A heart like a sponge that could take in all the punches of life's reality. With this kind of heart, even if I didn't have kidney problem, I would probably still die young, I strain my heart too much for feeling to much passion, fear, anger, hope and expectations, trust and betrayal. I feel this feelings many times more than a normal person.Yeah, I have a big heart. Quite literally too.

My life is in shambles right now. It's not as everybody seems it is. It's not always sunny in Philadelphia really. But I like there's more sunshine than the rain and winds and hails really.

I used to think Life is What You Make It, but getting sick was never in the plan, so that changed my view about the philosophy. But right here, right now, my life is how it is because I made it to be this way. I am sole  responsible to where I am right now, well, not counting being sick. It's just me feeling too much again.

Just how melancholic my life is, my current soundtrack would VINCENT right now.. Coincidentally, my favorite painting is van gough's Starry Starry Night

At times like this, when there is so much emotion but I just can't express it directly, I sorel wish I was artist, be it a poet, lyricist, painter or composer just so I can express in an indirect way how I feel and create something so heartbreakingly beautiful masterpieces with my pain. And then I'd be rich. Hello Adele.

The song just really soothe my heart and my confusion about love and life and belonging in this world. Better put in words in these lines:

For they could not love you, but still your love was true....But I could have told you Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..