Ten Years

A doctor once told me I'd be lucky if I get to live 10 years on HD. 15 years if I live in Japan.

I started at 24, add 10 years to that, and Goodbye Earth at 34, that according to medical standards.

The past 2 years and 8 months, I accepted my fate without protest. I had to. It was easier that way to accept what happened than rebel against it. But now, I feel like, all this acceptance makes me think, have I given up my future and live the remaining years I have, or should I fight for a better future, a future where I can somehow live a life where I can have choices, and I will have chances?

Getting a transplant gives hope that somehow I could live well beyond 34. But now that I think about it, when the time comes for my kidneys to fail again, the cycle will go over again, Me getting dialysis. At that time, maybe I'd have no financing for HD anymore. Buying time, that's what transplant provides. But it comes with a high price. A risk that anytime before I reach 34 that I might die too, in an instant, just one infection and Poof! 

Wanting to get a transplant makes me human. It's natural to Want for transplant. It's not natural to just accept and move on. All this time, I have suppressed the dreams of getting married, having kids, growing old, because it will just make my life right now hard, and my way of dealing with depressing thoughts like wanting those things but not getting them is to just entirely delete that fantasy.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Fear precedes every thought about happiness. It's easier to choose the negative or to be passive. But it doesn't get me anywhere.

I could spend years and years circling around this idea in my head or I could get a transplant, while pondering in this thread of thought, then 2 years will pass without me noticing it, and Boom! I get a brand new start at life! 

But will there be a better life for me after transplant? I guess I need to believe I'd have. Or else I really won't have. 

If only anyone knows the kind of life I have in mind. I really don't think transplant life will any way remotely similar to what I have in mind. As I said, thoughts of blissful happiness scares me. Failure scares me. The dreams I have will probably remain dreams after transplant. (I will be seriously depressed by then).

Only upside will be, I get to eat truckloads of fruits and veggies and I can pee! hahahaha

i totally forgot what it feels like to pee! :D