I WILL LOVE YOU...

This is a very entertaining read. funny on most part but so true and relateable!

Quotes About The Beatrice Letters

“I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes. I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong. i will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house. I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it. 

I will love you as a dagger loves a certain person’s back, and as a certain person loves to wear dagger proof tunics, and as a dagger proof tunic loves to go to a certain dry cleaning facility, and how a certain employee of a dry cleaning facility loves to stay up late with a pair of binoculars, watching a dagger factory for hours in the hopes of catching a burglar, and as a burglar loves sneaking up behind people with binoculars, suddenly realizing that she has left her dagger at home. I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world. I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled. 


I will love you until every fire is extinguised and until every home is rebuilt from the handsomest and most susceptible of woods, and until every criminal is handcuffed by the laziest of policemen. I will love unitil M. hates snakes and J. hates grammar, and I will love you until C. realizes S. is not worthy of his love and N. realizes he is not worthy of the V. I will love you until the bird hates a nest and the worm hates an apple, and until the apple hates a tree and the tree hates a nest, and until a bird hates a tree and an apple hates a nest, although honestly I cannot imagine that last occurrence no matter how hard I try. I will love you as we grow older, which has just happened, and has happened again, and happened several days ago, continuously, and then several years before that, and will continue to happen as the spinning hands of every clock and the flipping pages of every calendar mark the passage of time, except for the clocks that people have forgotten to wind and the calendars that people have forgotten to place in a highly visible area. I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where we once we were so close that we could slip the curved straw, and the long, slender spoon, between our lips and fingers respectively. 

I will love you until the chances of us running into one another slip from slim to zero, and until your face is fogged by distant memory, and your memory faced by distant fog, and your fog memorized by a distant face, and your distance distanced by the memorized memory of a foggy fog. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, no matter where you avoid and who you don’t see, and no matter who sees you avoiding where you go. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this, and now matter how I am discovered after what happens to me as I am discovering this.” 
― Lemony Snicket

Inspire Me

Lately I have been uninspired about anything that I wasn't able to blog about anything at all.

But last night, I am manic again. hahaha Eager to kickstart my bum into doing something worthwhile again. Now I am wishing I could skip HD this Saturday so I can have 5 days straight of vacation. I am still trying to convince Henry to have the Sunday and Tuesday off so he too can have 5 days vacation with me. 

Because I am going home tomorrow. How will I able to sleep without my O2 machine humming on my bedside will be tomorrow night's problem (but I am starting to freak out now). But still, it won't stop me from going home, I will really just have to control on the water so I could sleep better and can convince mom to let me go home often, because after all I am well. >.<

Today is December 1 and 30 days more and my wish from last year's Christmas will then come true. It has been a lovely year despite some troubled months with the heart and the health, but nevertheless, I am thankful for 2011

Cheers to another Christmas! Another wish to make. Can I have two? 

Heaven Knows

I didn't have a good night sleep last night. I took hemostan before dinner because it feels like I am hemorrhaging down there but after a while my left arm starts to feel a little numb and when I was about to sleep I was having the minutest chest pain. I know it was nothing, it shouldn't be anything because I have experienced something like it before and nothing happened. But nonetheless, it freaked the shit out of me.

Lying there in the dark, I was scared I'd have heart attack or something and would not wake up the next day. Then I think I couldn't die yet because I have not blogged all the things I needed to say, specially to my mom, dad, and bever. I have not done all the things I still want to do or experience, and my soul, my soul, I have not done everything that would somehow give me peace that I would meet God and Jesus and not someone sinister when I leave this world.

As if death could wait until I am ready.

And then I start to regret why I always procrastinate things I should have been doing already. Me of all people should know how to spend my days wisely. But I don't. My circumstance may have changed, but I am still the same old me inside. The dark side of my character is something I really hate and I am trying to change it. My temper among other things, is something I need to deal with or else my slot to heaven will be as slim as Madam Ana's.

I woke up having to do business in the bathroom, then I realize I survived the night. I woke up! So I thank God for another day, another chance at life with the hope, this time, I am going to make it right, then went back to sleep (because as I said, I had a sleep-less night).

But I lost control of my temper again minutes after waking up again. And when my anger and frustration boils down, I regret having gone through that strong emotion. It just drains me out.

I wish for so many things that I may need 100 genies to grant me 300 little wishes.

Right now I will just have to bite my tongue.

That's all for now. I thank you. Bow.

In A Barbie World

Venus Raj would have won Miss U 2010 if she admitted about a regret in her life (I'm sure she has a few, who doesn't?). I closed my official FB account, with only about 800 friends, because it drives me nuts how my fb friends, including me, only posts the good things happening in our lives, the gourmet food we ate, the parties we attended, the new clothes and gadgets we just all bought, vacations and trips we went to and not pictures or posts about the lousy and crappy things happening in our daily lives (though I applaud FB for making it possible to communicate with long lost friends and family, and as a mini gmail/yahoomail/ym service).

FB has turned all of us braggarts and liars. It no longer was a platform where you can express yourself freely without judgment because your friends' list has ballooned so much that you are even friends with someone just because you were from the same hometown and yet have not said a word to each other in real life. You are even friends with your bosses.

Having all these friends, one can never really post how he hates his boss, or how happy he is because he won the lottery (balato ninong, hahaha), because they are not really friends who would understand and not judge.

Then there's the endless complaining about anything, me being guilty on this types of posts. I don't like reading it in my timeline, so now I refrain posting about rants and complains, because really, I bet only few of my friends felt what pain really is and what pains are worth complaining about, so I tend to hate those kinds of posts, and I don't find them acceptable if I were a member in the Complaints Board

What's really wrong about me is that I tend to post the opposite, blogging about the negative feelings I have, as if all about my life is gloomy. People then hypothesize that I am Depressed. Guess what, I am just depress-depressan.. hahaha

I don't know why it takes effort for me to blog about happiness, it feels like bragging and coating again. But I do have happy points in my life too. But most of it was when I was young and naive and innocent about life's hardships, cruelty and pretensions. That's why I like posting about my childhood and my family because that's the happiest things in my life.

Back to my FB account deactivation. One last reason I closed it was because at that time I was very happy, having a new boyfriend and all, I kept posting subtle but obvious 'what's on my mind' thing' and I liked the reactions and attention I got from my friends (in real life) but there other friends (only in fb, we dislike each other in real life) who I did not want to know and pry on my life. So, I closed the account.

See? I couldn't even post happy posts eventually, because I can't control who I want to be friends with because I just have to accept friends requests at most times because refusing seems so rude, even online.

In my HS yearbook, I posted in the "quote to live by" section, that's right below my name and picture, "Your Primary Responsibility In Life Is To Be Yourself".

I have an issue with being myself. I do not like to pretend. I am good and bad at it depending on the situation. I am bad at lying and pretending to my mom. I cannot contain anger. When I hate someone, she/he will know. But when I really, really like someone, in an I-love-you-let's-get-married way, he will never have an idea. But if it's just a passing crush, I tend to get obvious. I cannot stand plastikan. If there's a bet on it, I would definitely lose. I like in your face deadmahan if we dislike each other. <maldita mode> But I try my best to be courteous and polite specially to the elders and try to have conversations when I am in an awkward situation where we are not really that close yet somehow there's the need to have a conversation.. because I am friendly.. hahahaha   I hope a lot would agree.

And so I try my best to be true to myself and to my audience as well. But I am only human (kung si KC pa, babae lang ako....) I am sure I would sugar coat here and there.. >J<

KC Naman

Dear Ate KC,

I feel for you though you are a hundred times prettier than me (hehe).. I know what it's like to be let on by the guy you like for years and then not treat you like a princess when you should be when you got together and in the end break your heart like you are any other girl. I know you feel you don't deserve it, because you really don't.

But don't worry girl, karma is a bitch. May araw din ang mga Ogre na yan, though in your case a Pretty Prince.


Your temporary fan again,
SandyGirl

(PS TO IVY: Affected kaayo ko gang.... hahahaha)

The Rules

Just like every household, ours have specific rules and regulations that we must follow. As a kid, some of these rules I find hostile and has no justice at all. Hahaha... But now as an adult, I realized how important those rules are and I thank God that my parents strictly imposed them on us.

So here are some of the rules we were to follow:

1. No talking on the phone beyond 5 minutes because important calls cannot go through.
           This was when cellphones are only seen and used in spy movies. I hate this a lot because my bestfriend Mae and I have so much to talk about (after being together the whole day), about our day in school. And I hate this even more when a crush calls and wants to telebabad and I had to hang up. Bummer!

2. No rough playing or else I'd skid my legs.
           Hey! They don't look nice anymore today okay, so please don't make me feel awkward than I already feel by checking on them when you see me.

3. Never backride on a passenger motorcycle (for safety reasons).

4. Ride only on family/cousin driven motorcycle (Conservative si Pader).

5.Apologies are rarely accepted. Sorry has little or no value.
            To make us learn to be always careful, to think before doing/deciding/talking anything.
             Mom hates "sorry"s because it actually encourages carelessness to the kid since he knows that a simple "sorry" fixes the fault and he will be forgiven. If we make mistakes, we actually have to explain how and why it happened ad admit our clumsiness and convince her that it will never happen again.
         
6. The Dress Code
            I am not a fashionista. I have to be clear on that. I am even baduy at times. hahaha... But when I was young, there are certain dress code I had to follow, and of course up until now. They were simple and basic, but make no mistake committing a dress code or else, you get a "panget kaayo ka" remark from the Boss herself. So here are the dress code imposed:

             a. Never pair a printed top with a printed bottom. (even at home)
             b. Always color coordinate (even at home)
             c. Never go out of the house in PJs or pambahay even if it's just a run to the street's store.

7. For as long as I remember they have always made me wear shoes. So much that my childhood friend calls me Barbie (for my Barbie shoes). Believe it or not I never owned a pair of slippers before Havaianas came into the market. Maybe that's why I am allergic to generic rubber slippers. hihi

8. Never spitefully speak  back to mom and dad or else.... you get a slap. hahaha.
          I am sure dad will not slap  me but mom will. But it never happened because I bite my tongue when I am reprimanded or am wrongly accused and I get very angry (inside)... But I speak back, only in a calm and justifying tone.

9. Never ask the value of someone's thing or salary because that would be rude and improper.

10. Never buy something valuable without mom's knowledge.
                 This is why I never learn to buy clothes for myself because always, always, mom buys it with me. Because she has better taste than I have, and of course, she has the money. haha

That is all I remember for now. And that's a piece of my childhood laid out.

My Daddy, My Hero and My Bestfriend

If there is one man in this world who loves unconditionally (for all that it means), would sacrifice for me, and love me even more.... I know for sure it's DADDY SAM.

Last night I have been missing my Daddy Sam that I cried myself to sleep. And that wasn't the first time. I have been crying the past nights whenever I get to think of him. I am used to not seeing him for 2 years, but not seeing him for almost 3 years is too much. All because in this circumstance we are all in.

So anyway I will talk about how great my dad was when we were growing up and how even greater he is now that we are adults.

AS A KID

Daddy was a very hands-on dad to us. One of the earliest memories I have with my dad was he would audit my knees and feet every afternoon when he came home and check for insect bites, scratches and scars. He actually scared me not to scratch and scar my legs or else it will look ugly when I grow up.

Also, when I was in K1 where I was freaking out because it was a Friday and I needed bloomers for PE. Mom was not at the house that time, maybe on a trip with the officemates.. My dad, clueless, asked me what a bloomer is, so I said the one I always wear on Fridays for PE. So he helped me out and when he found it, he even ironed it. Even at that young age, I was grateful for his gesture and that was also one of the times at my young age that I knew my dad is the greatest daddy in the world.

Other times, he would sing me a lullaby as we are about to sleep and I would never forget and I miss it until  now how at around 6am, he would lie in my bed and hug me and ask me get up and pee and we sleep a little more until breakfast time.

Oh how I miss him calling me naknak,  an endearment for anak. or lange-nge for being lange. And oh, he calls me that even now that I am old.

I remember a conversation between mom and my single and marrying age aunties discussing about what kind of person should they choose as a husband.. And then they all agreed that Daddy Sam should be the "measuring cup" of what a husband should possess. Hardworking, hands on dad, loving to my mom, and not dominant but still has the last say to every decision.

My daddy is always like that. He doesn't have to enforce to us that he is the Head of the family and we all have to live in a tyrannical household. No, he's in not that type. My daddy is the loving simple kind of dad, and not strict but would not think twice whipping our kiddie asses if we step out of line.

One cool thing about our parents is that they let us oversleep. It is okay to wake up until 9am. Unlike in other households where their moms or dads would start yelling if the kids stay in bed after 7. But this privilege comes with a price. Dad would always wake us up at 7 but not to do chores already but to pee. That has always been the rule.  I hated it. But now with what  happened to me, I thank dad for that.

My dad is also my #1 fan. Tie sila ni mama at this position.

One time in Grade 6, we were to take an entrance exam in Iligan and all the classmates agreed to wear a pair of jeans. I went home crying because I did not own a pair of jeans at that time. Mom was out of town that time and all the stores in Tubod were already closed so there's no way I could buy jeans to wear the next day.. You know what dad said to me to cheer me up? He said, "Mga panget man gud na sila ug legs mao mag jeans, ikaw kay nindot man, so pag shorts ra." That truly lifted me up and I wore shorts the next day with confidence, and my friends didn't really gave a thought about it. In the end, out of the 14 who took the exams, only 5 passed. I was one of those 5 who passed. And I was in shorts.

AS A TEEN

In highschool, he was already in Samoa at that time and he would check on all of us, calling my mama at least 2x a day. He didn't mind if the phone calls are expensive. He's motto then was, "What's the use of having so much money when I won't know my family anymore."

In college, I would cry to dad whenever I get low grades or fears I'd flunk a subject and far as he is, he would comfort me, advising me to get a tutor but then i say "Di man na pde itutor ang accounting!" and then he would say, 'Cge lang nak, I know you did your best". And when I get my passed grade, I would call him and squeal "Daddy I passed!" and then he would say, "I know! you are smart, liwat gud ka nako!" and then we would start our bragging tirade about how we are smart and we are good looking. ehehe

ABOUT BOYFRIENDS AND SUITORS

I never really had a boyfriend in highschool and most of college. Not that I was forbidden but I was being blackmailed, financially and emotionally. hahahah.. Whenever Boyfriends and Suitors are opened up, dad would not go ballistic and ground me for life. Instead he'd say  "Mas maayo nak, para muoli na ko diha, kay naa na man diay mupaskwela nimo."

 I ask you now dear reader, GANAHAN KA ANA?

My mom on the other hand likes/requires me to talk about boys and crushes. She's so cool with it. But when it comes to boyfriends, especially the ones (not that many ha!) she doesn't like, she would then stop taking me to restaurants to eat or buy me stuffs I like or give me extra allowance because "sa imong boyfriend palibre, or papalit" ang show.

I ask again, "DI KAHA NIMO BULAGAN IMONG UYAB?"

I know it feels like I am materialistic and all, but I would drop everything I have rather than not having my mom's favor (again, not about money. more on affection and attention and friendship).

So I end breaking up those not so good bf's anyway.

Then mom takes me to shopping! hahaha.

Everytime he comes home was like Christmas to me. I love having my Daddy around. Feels like our family is complete and I feel so secure.

There are so many stories I would like to write about my Daddy. But this entry is a bit long already. So I will just have to make another entry when the inspiration takes over again.

I love you dad. And I miss you. Please take care of yourself.



(Post for Mom coming soon)

A Stab In My Heart

My heart is bleeding today because I wasn't able to go home to watch Martin Nievera live on concert.

Because I wasn't well today again. Like I need CAT Scan if my headache won't get any better after all the meds I took.

Like a sick joke where no one is laughing, I got well past 5pm. No more time to rush to tubod and catch the concert.

I am now consoling myself by watching/listening Martin Concerts on Youtube. My speakers are great, so it should be like I was there.

Now I may never hear live how Martin would sing IKAW, This Promise of Love  and  With You to me.. HUHUHU.. It would have been the closest that I will ever feel like it is sung in my wedding (if I ever got to have one)
.
Oh God, my heart is breaking right now.

Gotta go, I have more sulking to do. Up until Friday, November 25, 2011 ends.

College Thoughts

I plan to post the entries I made when I was in college but it needs a major major proof reading.

I can't believe somebody else read those very crude blogs.

As usual, it's more mumbling, rants and musings than organized thoughts. but come to think of it, that's practically how I describe my thoughts. LOL

So old posts will be posted probably next week or probably later than that. It's so taxing having to proofread 60,000 words.

So there

2nd Chances Every November

I think I should make it official that the month of November is not my month. But now that I think of it, I guess it is my month where I am given 2nd chances in life (not actually just 2nd, but you know what I mean).

The first life changing event happened on a November, 3 years ago. That was when I had pneumonia and got admitted in the ICU where I had tubes on my throat, nose, both hands, and vjj. Yeah that was pure torture and suffering and it took me about a year to recover and got so weak all over again for almost another year.

November of 2009, I got admitted again for reason I no longer remember (that's how many time I got admitted).

November of last year, thank God nothing scary happened. I think disaster was having a month off that year.

November 2011. I got admitted for lung congestion, heart enlargement and uncontrolled blood pressure.

And.... had an accident but luckily, or I think it should be with God's grace, we walked out of it without a scratch.

Let me just say this to the friggin driver of that Fortuner:

"A man without humanity is an ANIMAL." or in bisaya "Ang tawong walay konsensya kay usa ka ANIMAL!'

Sorry Lord, but right now I am still so mad at that person. And I hate it more because I have become a racist but only to that person, whoever that person or those persons are.

Popping Pill

I have been having very high blood pressure and unbearable headache the past HD and during those episodes I take a lot of medicines both for the bp and the headache. But one med seem to cure my suffering, and it's neither a bp med nor a headache med... it's a sleeping pill! ( but i think it's just a light sleeping pill)

I first took it 4 days ago, and for the past 4 nighs I have been taking it to help me sleep. I asked my nurse about it and they said I should tell doc that I am still taking it cause it can be addicting. And I thought, wow! I'm an addict. hahaha

And oh how i love it. No stressful dreams. just pure peaceful sleep.

Maybe that's why a lot of people are addicted to taking it. But I won't be. LOL i just take it when I am sick and when I am still awake at 5am. It's justifiable, right? I thought so too.

I will have to tell Doc G when my 3 pills run out (because it's a prescription medication).

But for now, I will be off to have checkups with my Cardiologist, Dr. T, and my Eye Doc Dr. N for my heart/bp management and the possibility of having migraine attacks again

When Life Throws You Lemons, Make Lemonade!

I spend my waking hours either getting treatments, eating carbs, lots of carbs (and sneaking on gulping more water than I should) or being online where I apply for work, and get rejected a lot of times, work for my boss which is not as often as I want it to be, blogging which I am doing now and  reading articles featured on yahoo.

Not until recently, I do all these online business in a 3in x 12 inch screen. Yeah that's right. It's worse than owning a netbook or working/surfing on your smartphone for a long period of time. The circumstance started with I (well not really I but I am owning up to it) accidentally dropped my laptop from the chair to the floor.

When it happened, I did not freak out. I turned it on and found out that the screen was damaged by the fall. 2/3 of the screen is just a white canvass. For a moment I thought how am i going to handle this, and just turned it off and told Henry my laptop's screen needs some fixing, and then I went to sleep.

That was 4 days ago, and I am still surviving with a nearly blind laptop. But just like any other things for me, if it can and still deliver its purpose, then I am good with it. (That's the reason why I rarely update my phone).

Come to think of it, my laptop is 4 years old this month. It's a grandpa in the world of laptops. But I still love it like that first time I saw it at the computer store. By the way my laptop is a male. hahaha.

And so tomorrow, hopefully Henry and I will get it fixed at the computer store I bought it from. And hopefully, it isn't a major damage that needs to be shipped to Manila. I'm counting that it just needs a bit repair that the store can handle.

Because not having my laptop is like living in Afghanistan for me. ( i really don't know what that means. LOL)

Starting Over (Again!?)

This starting over mode I am currently at is probably my 100th in my lifetime. But despite the statistics, I still feel that exciting feeling of being able to change some aspects of my life again.

Yes, the gloomy days are over (for now), and hopefully the sick days are too. Now, I am excited for some self makeover. Work-wise, I am actively applying again, but optimistic as I am right now, I know in the next days I will receive a lot of emails of rejections. hahaha but that is fine, as they say walang personalan.  So what I will do is apply and apply until I get accepted and have a good boss, like my current bosses. But don't assume I earn a lot ha! because I don't. This is so part time, and seasonal but the pay is good, I feel good whenever I am paid. haha

Since I got sick again (for the past 6 months), I started to neglect my personal appearance, because I wanted to look sick so I would get proper medical attention. Because I was feeling sick, I didn't mind about my appearance anymore. But now that I am a little well, and have lost so much weight again, I suddenly feel conscious about my appearance and hate my clothes because they don't fit me anymore. My insecurity is so worse that I don't even want to go to the mall anymore, or have pictures of me taken because I didn't want any of it posted in FB.

So I am a hermit but definitely want to change that. I still need more fitting clothes though (anyone who would like to give me some shopping money would greatly be appreciated).

I also intend to go out more so my legs will regain strength again. My walking the past months does not exceed 100 steps. So I will slowly try to walk longer distance than that to exercise my leg muscles, improve my circulation and also for my heart to get used to working a bit harder that what it is used to.

But the highlighted problem right now is my closet. Hahaha How pathetic.
But honestly, 99% of whats in my closet are TOO BIG for me, they make me look skinnier than I already am because they so don't fit me. 1% by the way are the undies. haha, they're the ones that fit me at this body frame.

Home At Last

I got discharged from the hospital after 2 days of highblood pressure treatment. It was so bad during dialysis that I started having unbearable headache that finally made me throw up. And just like the previous throw up episodes, I felt relief. But then after a few minutes, the headache came back and the blood pressure is over the roof.

So the HD nurses had no choice but to endorse me to the ER and have me admitted. Then there was the IV needle insertion again that I hate the most.

By the way, this one I'm talking about is the second admission I had in 1 week.

I still have very bad headache and high blood pressure every now and then, and specially during HD. We deduced that it could be the dialyzer I was using, the one given by my Tita from the States. We think that the dialzyer only fits for Americans, with their large frames and not to someone like me who's as thin as a wafer stick.

Oh something really nice happened right after I got out of the hospital. I was still wearing my PJs and patient wrist ID, mom and I went to buy a few clothes for me because I have been complaining about not having clothes that fit my new body frame. But mind you, that wasn't "shopping" for all that it means. It was shopping alright, but "thrift shopping" category. But nevertheless, I look good on them, and they do look expensive.. hahahah #poser!

True but not in its entirety

http://www.koarastudio.com/fbapps/temperamentquiz/images/desc-choleric.jpg

Summing Up Today

I spent most of my time today sleeping. I woke up to take my meds and meals on time. My BP is still over the roof and the headache is a bit bearable now, and I am still depressed over a few little things.

I don't know why, but I seem to get overexhausted after I cry over something that upsets me. I am overly sensitive now too. I am not sure if it's the hormones (yes I still have period but I don't keep track of it anymore now), or if it's the creatinine or I am just tired and fed up of all these plus I get additional stress that I don't really need right now.

Okay I am frustrated too but I don't want to talk about it here right now.

Plus my laptop needs fixing asap. I couldn't use it. It's that serious.

And to my mom, so sorry all the frustrations.

One Drainy Day

I am not quite sure how to define this day. All I know is I am emotionally exhausted and I am having high blood pressure for days now that has been making my head hurt  most of the time.

But most of my exhaustion today comes from the never ending feud, and it's draining, draining, draining me and gives me more headache.

Oh great, who could give me a boost of serotinin, it would be greatly appreciated.

Braving the Ocean

I got a call from my dad today and said he's off to the sea again for work. He's been off the sea for a few months now and he said he's having seasickness again.

The sacrifice my dad does for me. I will forever be grateful for that. It's kinda saddening how we have not seen each other for almost 3 years now and he couldn't come home until we have saved enough for my dialysis monthly bills for all the months he will be here.

My dad, together with my mom, whenever I think of the many sacrifices they have done and will do just to keep me alive, is overly remarkable. The things parents will do for their children, I see that in them.

I just miss my daddy so much.

And as their daughter, it pains me that they are going through what they are going through right now because of what happened to me. This isn't the life I have wanted them to have eafter college. I have always thought, after brother and I finish college, dad could come home to retire and I'd be successful and we all will get rich and have lots of savings and live a comfortable life, like we always did.

We are all definitely trying our best to keep afloat and hold on to each other.

I just thank God for having parents like my mom and dad. That alone makes me realize how God truly love me and have not forsaken me in this very trying times (which have been going on for 3 years already).

More Patience to the Patient

My life is difficult as it is. I wish I never have to say this. I wish I wouldn't be treated in ways that would stress me emotionally. I wish all people around me, specially those who are close to me would effort to make me feel better and not worse that it already is even without the additional stress.

I know I can be a bitch to someone sometimes. And God knows how I feel bad whenever I say hurtful words back to that person, because after all I love him. Would give my life to him. When we have a fight, I get to wonder would it be a better thing if I die already to free those around me of the burden of taking care of me. Then I cry and feel sad for myself thinking maybe it is a better idea, me dying, so that I won't be anyone's problem anymore.

I feel like I'm not wanted anymore whenever I am treated like crap. It makes me wonder if I deserve it because I am being a total bitch or does he need more patience and respect for me? 

I do not understand why a person in his position could take off and leave me. It's like he's leaving me to die. I mean, am I that evil for someone like him to not understand me? After all, he's the only one I got for a _____. 

It hurts even more to wonder the thought that if he cannot love me unconditionally, no one will.

Maybe that is why no one is loving me unconditionally other than my parents. Too bad those other people who loved me unconditionally have long passed away. Mommy Liling, Daddy Boy and Blink.

But I am still breathing, so I am still hopeful one day things would change. 

Maybe I should be the one who has more patience and understanding towards him.

I am just at the point of my life where I am so tired of understanding and being patient to everyone.

After all, I am a Patient.

Crea on High

Growing up, I never really doubted my sexuality (though in highschool I was once paranoid thinking maybe people think I am a lez since I didn't have a bf then and I was always with girl friends). But that is not the point of the story today.

Why I never doubted is that I always have mood swings whenever my period is coming up. I get really cranky and emotional that I would cry whenever that McDonald's advertisement comes up and would drool whenever Purefoods ad is on TV. But more often than not, I am at my lowest point (depressed) on these bloody days.

I always blame my period whenever I feel depressed, this was when I wasn't sick yet. But ever since getting sick, I have blamed my depressed days on my meds (I thought steriods made me depressed but I realized it gives me psychosis instead.. scary!). but I eventually pointed my finger on the culprit, it's when my creatinine level is at its highest that I switch to Depressed Mode.

So I hate it everytime my crea is high. It's effect is not something I could control, but I do try to just ignore it but the urge to indulge in depression is always there and only wanes when I have my next dialysis session.

In these days of depression, I would cry my heart out feeling sorry for my predicament then think of slashing my wrist, not because I want to die but because I want attention. I would be cranky to my family. I hate myself whenever I do and feel these stuffs, and consciously wishing it's HD time again so all these toxins that's messing with my emotions would be flushed out.

And truly, like the sun coming out after a rainy day, I am Ms. Sunshine and Ms. Optimistic again after my HD.

I am talking about this because it's been 48 hours since I had my HD and it would be another 24 hours before I get my next session and I am running low on endorphins.

48 hours of no HD means toxins are building up in my system and won't be flushed out till tomorrow. Imagine having garbage in your system for 72 hours when healthy people's kidney cleans up their blood every hour.

So do excuse me if I am not in my best behaviour everytime.. (hahaha, I have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes! LOL)

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Something rather sweet happened last night. No, it's not that kind of sweet thing that happens at night that you are thinking right now (gotcha!!).. hahahaha

More like sweet kind of sweet. Anyway here is what happened:

I saw something on the web that made me feel sorry for myself and I began sobbing. After a while, Henry (I call him Henry but his name is so far from Henry) notieed me sobbing and he comforted me and distracted me by making me laugh. Like what happens when you are being comforted, I began to cry even harder and felt more sorry for myself, saying things that made me pray to ask for forgiveness to God after the meltdown. So I said more self-pitying words that made Henry take pity on me and made him felt my pain that he sobbed too (makes me feel my lines were MMK material because men don't normally get affected with self-pitying crying women.

That was the point where I stopped sobbing. If men can't stand women who cry because it puts them in the position of being helpless, I too could not stand someone tearing up for me, specially if it's Henry.

So I straightened  myself up and cheered him and tried to make him laugh too. He wouldn't take my jokes and distractions at first but after a while, we were making each other laugh and jeer our private jokes. Soon enough we decided to sleep with me a little more convinced that he loves me. hahaha.

Love Is

2 years after I was advised to undergo kidney transplantation, only 3 people offered to donate one of their kidneys to me, regardless if their offer is for real or just a joke.

3 people. wow. out of the many friends and family I have, I have only 3 who have considered to give a part of themeselves to me, joke or for real, and 3 people who would stake a piece of themeselves for a chance of me to have many more years and relatively regular life (only with having to pee again and free me from Chronic Kidney Disease complications.).

So even if I am not harvesting any of your kidneys, I wanna say thank you anyhow for considering. I now realize that your gesture is a gesture of love. Even if you seldom show it in the traditional way which I could have noticed and appreciated right when you said you would do a major, major sacrifice for me.

Glad He Won

Manny Pacquiao wins yet again and I read somewhere he becomes P1.5 Billion richer after the fight.

Why do I care?
Because next year, I will have to courtesy call him at Congress. LOL on that right now, but I plan to make it happen.

What made me laugh today

The Sign

I made this blog with my mortality and immortality in mind. See, I have accepted a long time ago that I may not live to be 40 or 35 even. After some time of getting sick, I seem to have lost my Hope for living and dreaming of a better life. I thought to myself, whats's the point of planning and dreaming for a life when everything could be taken from you with one laboratory result. I felt cheated and betrayed by life but at the same time thought of all this a trial and test on my faith and trust in God. Faith saved me from getting depressed, from going through denial and anger. I just accepted it all but not with a broken heart and crippled spirit. It took me a few months to accept my new life. A life where I will be eternally dependent to others. A life where plans and dreams are crashed by the hard reality that today I may be well but tomorrow I would feel the other complications.

I did not opt for transplant for so many reasons and excuses but there is that part of me wondering if I am making the wrong decision. There is that bugging question in my mind, What if I go through with it? Time had definitely passed and wasted with this indecision. But at the end of the day, my mom and I agree that if it's meant to be, everything would fall into place. Like we won't have to chase for the opportunity and chance to have a kidney transplantation. Money, kidney and people who will help will definitely find you at the right time, at the same time to help us go through with it.

And I think that day has come. I just find it too coincidental that on the day I decide to write and make a blog so one day my parents and brother and friends could bring me back to life in their hearts and mind when they would miss me when I am gone, a wife of a dialysis patient whom I never met before made the effort to reach out to me to persuade me to get a transplant, telling me it's the best thing to ever happen to her husband after being on dialysis for 4 years, and him being 62 years old. She says I have a better chance at life because I am young.

The wife says she would help and teach me how to get support from various organization and people in Manila and answered some of my questions and doubts about it.

Now I am definitely thinking about it. But we could never afford it with our own money. Heck, we are dipping   almost at the bottom of the barrel now. I am now forced to use my last aces with the hope they will help us and lighten the load of this pending journey.

But tell me, what's there to live for? I honestly don't know that about my life anymore.