The Sign

I made this blog with my mortality and immortality in mind. See, I have accepted a long time ago that I may not live to be 40 or 35 even. After some time of getting sick, I seem to have lost my Hope for living and dreaming of a better life. I thought to myself, whats's the point of planning and dreaming for a life when everything could be taken from you with one laboratory result. I felt cheated and betrayed by life but at the same time thought of all this a trial and test on my faith and trust in God. Faith saved me from getting depressed, from going through denial and anger. I just accepted it all but not with a broken heart and crippled spirit. It took me a few months to accept my new life. A life where I will be eternally dependent to others. A life where plans and dreams are crashed by the hard reality that today I may be well but tomorrow I would feel the other complications.

I did not opt for transplant for so many reasons and excuses but there is that part of me wondering if I am making the wrong decision. There is that bugging question in my mind, What if I go through with it? Time had definitely passed and wasted with this indecision. But at the end of the day, my mom and I agree that if it's meant to be, everything would fall into place. Like we won't have to chase for the opportunity and chance to have a kidney transplantation. Money, kidney and people who will help will definitely find you at the right time, at the same time to help us go through with it.

And I think that day has come. I just find it too coincidental that on the day I decide to write and make a blog so one day my parents and brother and friends could bring me back to life in their hearts and mind when they would miss me when I am gone, a wife of a dialysis patient whom I never met before made the effort to reach out to me to persuade me to get a transplant, telling me it's the best thing to ever happen to her husband after being on dialysis for 4 years, and him being 62 years old. She says I have a better chance at life because I am young.

The wife says she would help and teach me how to get support from various organization and people in Manila and answered some of my questions and doubts about it.

Now I am definitely thinking about it. But we could never afford it with our own money. Heck, we are dipping   almost at the bottom of the barrel now. I am now forced to use my last aces with the hope they will help us and lighten the load of this pending journey.

But tell me, what's there to live for? I honestly don't know that about my life anymore.