Why I never doubted is that I always have mood swings whenever my period is coming up. I get really cranky and emotional that I would cry whenever that McDonald's advertisement comes up and would drool whenever Purefoods ad is on TV. But more often than not, I am at my lowest point (depressed) on these bloody days.
I always blame my period whenever I feel depressed, this was when I wasn't sick yet. But ever since getting sick, I have blamed my depressed days on my meds (I thought steriods made me depressed but I realized it gives me psychosis instead.. scary!). but I eventually pointed my finger on the culprit, it's when my creatinine level is at its highest that I switch to Depressed Mode.
So I hate it everytime my crea is high. It's effect is not something I could control, but I do try to just ignore it but the urge to indulge in depression is always there and only wanes when I have my next dialysis session.
In these days of depression, I would cry my heart out feeling sorry for my predicament then think of slashing my wrist, not because I want to die but because I want attention. I would be cranky to my family. I hate myself whenever I do and feel these stuffs, and consciously wishing it's HD time again so all these toxins that's messing with my emotions would be flushed out.
And truly, like the sun coming out after a rainy day, I am Ms. Sunshine and Ms. Optimistic again after my HD.
I am talking about this because it's been 48 hours since I had my HD and it would be another 24 hours before I get my next session and I am running low on endorphins.
48 hours of no HD means toxins are building up in my system and won't be flushed out till tomorrow. Imagine having garbage in your system for 72 hours when healthy people's kidney cleans up their blood every hour.
So do excuse me if I am not in my best behaviour everytime.. (hahaha, I have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes! LOL)
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