Shopping Therapy

I am not one to use shopping in my buying spree because I still have to make some cost/benefit calculations but today I was close to feeling what it's like to shop. hahaha

My boss gave me spa money as bonus for being his bookkeeper the past 7 months. but I didn't spend it on mani/pedi as agreed. Instead, I went to buy some baking utensils and start up ingredients for the hobby I decided to start.

It's a little liberating now that I have my very own set of measuring cup, measuring spoons, cooking tray and strainer. woohoo! I feel like I am my mom when she was just starting with her kitchen utensils some 26 years ago... And it's from my own money! Yehey I am so happy.

It definitely like a new start for me. This could be what it feels like to have a bone marrow transplant! Lol., Like the immune system got a reboot..

So now the next step is to have enough tyaga to start baking what I am supposed to bake my just bought ingredients then...

Wish me Luck!

Passive Aggressive

Suri and I have been exchanging storm reports the past days. No, we are not weather forecasters now (we wish we are), but we are having storms in different regions of our lives. Me with my lovestorm signal #5 and she with workstorm signal #5 too.. #5 by the way is at that point where taking a knife and slowly, painfully cutting ourselves to death is better than letting others hurt us with their meanness. Of course all in metaphor. Lol (we talk about suicide as often as we talk about blind items).

So anway, my lovestorm, this by far one of the worst I have with C. Right now I feel so betrayed, with or without valid proof/reason, the point is I feel betrayed when I shouldn't be. I don't know what to think or who to believe anymore.

Of course my heart wants to believe whatever C says, but I wonder if he's telling the truth, and if he is lying, why would he lie? I told him many times the past days to end things with me, to leave me, if he doesn't feel the same way about me, if he thinks I am not enough for him.

I cried, oh I cried buckets, ran out of my iterax stash, slept most of my hours, and have not been eating properly. I just feel so betrayed and humiliated at the same time.

I love him. God knows how I love him, He knows how much I love him.

Honestly I am not sure if he feels the same way. One thing is clear, his actions and words are contracting each other, contradicting and inconsistent. So I am left confused and trying to decipher what he means with what he say and with what he do.

I don't want to sound like I'm Rapunzel here, but I did ask him to leave me if he doesn't think I am enough for him, that I am not the One. That I am a waste of time. I told him I have just enough time to experience love and happiness and I don't want to spend my remaining years/days/months to be with someone who is not happy to be with me, which makes me upset even more.

I told him that it's better we separate at a time when we still have respect with each other, end amicably at that point when he realizes I am not The One, rather than at the point where he leaves me because he has found That One person.

But right now, we are still together. Is that an assurance that I have his heart and it isn't wandering around like some girl wants to make me think?

I am in a mess right now. I don't know what to think. What to believe. I don't trust him just yet again. Maybe it's better not to.

I just wish he makes up his mind about us to get this over with.

At the end of the day, it's still a little comforting knowing that he is with me. Quite literally. And maybe one day soon, we can patch things up and heal my broken heart.

ME AND MY SUNSHINE

My recent posts were pretty intense. I just lost my cool for a moment and blew my top off with some issues.

See, the past months, specifically the time i started going steady with Henry, I decided to go under the radar so that I won't attract any jeje's attention and haters and bashers alike. For me, being incognito was sign that I am in an adult relationship, a real one at that, and no more parading of pictures lest I attract jealous and miserable people.

Hell, I even changed FB accounts and moved to twitter to feed my social networrking needs. I just needed some avenue to express myself. But issues follow me. Dili man ta ko artista. I do not have a spectacular life, though I am a little condescending when I say I am not interesting (of course I am, and besides I can claim all I want here, this is my blog).

Which brings me to point out, WHY ON EARTH the things I say and the things I do affect some people? Why do I gain haters and bashers when I was just minding my own business. I know I have appeal and charm, and I'm a little smart (hahahahaha) but is it so much that people rally and unite against me?

WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

My life is always perfect until the kontrabida comes along and people I got along well become minions all of a sudden.

Oh well, at the end of the day, bash all you like, I won't mind from now on.

DROWN IN YOUR PUDDLE OF DROOL.

Sunshire No More

It's hard when a person is going through a rough road and there's no one she can turns to for help, advice or just someone to walk the mile with, even if she just be on the stony path and the friend on the smooth side.

It is harder still when you know for a fact that there are a lot of people wanting to see you break down, to reap everything what's left of you even if you have been robbed in the past. It's like, some people just could not bear to see even a glimmer of happiness in you despite being in a dark place. They just want to see you at your lowest, not feel good about yourself, so they can tell themselves how better off they are than you are.

Whenever I am down like this, when what little happiness is taken from me, I feel really hopeless and ungrateful of what I have and all the more wishing I could sleep, maybe induce some coma, so I could forget and not think. And just let time pass by without taking it's toll on my emotions. Maybe that's the reason why I have been sleeping a lot lately again, taking iterax for dreamless sleeps.

It's even so tempting to take more iterax than I should at times. But I wouldn't because I am one big coward. When I am hurt, I like to hurt myself more, finding power and the feeling of being in control. I often think of slashing a vein somewhere just to see it bleed and just to feel some pain, pain that I cause to myself and not by somebody else. But I guess I am really that big coward, I just won't do it. Like many things, I just think about it. Everything happens in my mind.

So now I am left to sort this out again by myself. No friends to talk it over with because, hell, we all live in a perfect world now. Well I think they are, and damaged pieces like me have no place in their perfect little worlds. So it's just me and my problems now.

Die Bitches

I am so mad right now that I could kill a person or maybe a group of persons. And there's a lot of killing to do.. Maybe I should just all poison them? I hate it when I am crossed, I get really, really mad.

Maybe the hate inside me would burn me out and that my heart will just stop out of anger. Maybe that's better. Right now, I don't want to feel anything. Or maybe feel other feelings than this. Maybe it's better if I just kill myself with anything than be killed by other people's doing.

I try to be the best I can be, but maybe it isn't enough. It is never enough. It wasn't enough then, why would I think it be enough now? Or maybe there are just so many evil and selfish persons in the world more than there are good people. More people who are more miserable than I am that they couldn't think of other person's feelings.

Geez, I still wish someone will drop dead right now. I could see the face in my mind, such a bitch. Well the person is.. Desperate one too. Too desperate perhaps.

IF I HAVE AMNESIA

It's been ages and I still have not talked much about my relationship with C and what a sunshine he is to my grey and dismal life. It's kinda hard to talk about happiness actually because I find a little on the bragging side. And I don't want to talk about happy things to the general public because my happiness may not be their brand of happiness too. Also the thought that, the best things are left unblogged. LOL But then I worry what if I have amnesia, if I don't talk about it, or write about it, how will I be reminded of the good times and happy times I have with C?

I don't think I can come up with words that would give justice as to how exactly my life is with C. We have issues, yes, heck we are not rich (yet.. hahaha) but right now it seems to not matter. I am not exactly sure if the feelings and thoughts are reciprocated ha, I am not that totally assuming, there's still a bit part of me thinking what if he doesn't feel the same thing, blah, blah, blah.... But right now it doesn't matter. And it's not what I want to talk about right now.

I am in an unconventional arrangement with C. Others will think it's improper and disapprove about it, but I could only care less. I am at a point in my life where everything is a bonus. So I just enjoy each blessing that comes my way and not really care about social perceptions much anymore.

So TO MYSELF WITH AMNESIA:  I want to remind myself that I am in a relationship with Chris right here, right now. He's Mr. Nice Guy (for all that it means), he cracks up with my silly and corny jokes, he has eyes that smiles, he's tall, he's handsome (hahaha..), he washes the dishes and the laundry too. I like picking whiteheads on his nose just before bedtime,  he doesn't like tomato seeds, hates fish sauce, doesn't like sweets, loves to tease me endlessly until I get annoyed, hates PDA, loves Lucy (that's me!).

Escape to Paradise

I am probably suppressing depression these days because I have been indulging with my brand of drug - endorphins! Not to worry there, it's perfectly natural. I am not going to tell you what because it's kinda embarrassing let alone sad. But it makes me happy when I am in that state and everything is possible when my endorphins are on high. 

Hopes and dreams are in the horizon again, which makes me a little happy and well, hopeful in my more somber hours. But again I remind myself to slow down with the plans and being hopeful because I don't like to be crashed when plans don't push through and it creates another problem as to how to cheer myself up again.

Now that I think of it, I am reminded of the song dad used to sing me to sleep when I was a kid. Back then I thought the song is a very sad song. Who knew that song would perfectly fit my circumstance now. Is it a mere coincidence or was it a hint even at a very young age that I am my life is going to be like this?

Other thoughts:

I learned about a very disturbing incident with a necrophilia which made me a bit worried when I am dead. But then I remember I am sure Uncle MC will make sure I will be respected at that point in time of my life (is it still part of my life? haha).. He's an assistant embalmer after all! I am confident he won't let something like that happen to me.

Which reminds me at the time when I had a procedure done at NKTI.. I am not sure what it's called but something to do with checking the large intestines. So I was given a sedative and was told to lower my undies.. Then I was put out. #scary The next thing I know, I woke up on a gurney in a corridor waiting for my next laboratory procedure with my undies on, of course.. I had no recollection as to what happened to me for a whole hour (or less). I did not even dreamed or anything! As in I just passed out.

Henry + Lucy

I am currently going through something right now which I just can't share yet, or maybe ever, but who knows.

So I will try to skirt away with the issue but as you may know me, I tend to give myself away with my endless rants.

So okay, I want to talk about my relationship because I don't talk about it here much because it's one of the few things that makes me so happy and I only tend to write about things that pisses me off. I don't want those who will read this blog years after I am gone that I was such a lonely old maid.

For the record, right now, and for the past 15 months, I am a happy woman. hahaha

When I got sick, I lost the things that I thought my life was all about. Career, independence, lovelife (this last thing was the best thing to ever happen, you'll find out why in a bit). Literally,  I woke up at 7:30 on that fateful Friday morning, July 26, 2008 and the life I know seemed like the last night's dream. Days, months and now years, that followed that day was an endless and countless trips to different doctors and hospitals and clinics to get 2nd, 3rd and even 4th opinion on the first diagnosis that they have on me. That I, Sandra Nikolai Torres, CPA, 23 years old have and END STAGE RENAL FAILURE and will soon be on dialysis.

I lost all hope. Since I was a kid, all I really want in life is to fall in love and be loved by the same person. I know it may sound silly to many, but to each his own, right? It may be easy for many to have that, but it was a dream for me because I was not carved to be in a relationship. You see, I am an independent, go-getter kind of gal and my other dream, the one I was set to achieve was to become very rich and successful because I wanted to give my parents a luxurious retirement.

When I got sick, that piece of ___ broke up with me. But as I said, it was the best thing to have happened with me getting sick. But I also thought that now that I am sick, there's no way I will ever have a boyfriend again. Who would like me? And besides I am always in the hospital, there's no way I'd get to meet someone new to be more than friends with, right?

Wrong. hahaha

Then C came along and everything seems a little brighter and I am whole lot happier..I hate to admit it, but yes, I am one lucky girl. hahaha

Before C, I never have much thought about the future because I don't have one (just being a realist here). But with C now, I hope for a better future. I hope I will still be here when the future comes. I hope for many things, but all of this with C in it. Am I nurturing a false hope? Maybe. But right now I don't care, I am happy where I am now. So come what may! When this ends, I will be devastated but right now I can say, it will be worth it.

I love you C. And thanks for making me happy everyday.