Heaven Knows

I didn't have a good night sleep last night. I took hemostan before dinner because it feels like I am hemorrhaging down there but after a while my left arm starts to feel a little numb and when I was about to sleep I was having the minutest chest pain. I know it was nothing, it shouldn't be anything because I have experienced something like it before and nothing happened. But nonetheless, it freaked the shit out of me.

Lying there in the dark, I was scared I'd have heart attack or something and would not wake up the next day. Then I think I couldn't die yet because I have not blogged all the things I needed to say, specially to my mom, dad, and bever. I have not done all the things I still want to do or experience, and my soul, my soul, I have not done everything that would somehow give me peace that I would meet God and Jesus and not someone sinister when I leave this world.

As if death could wait until I am ready.

And then I start to regret why I always procrastinate things I should have been doing already. Me of all people should know how to spend my days wisely. But I don't. My circumstance may have changed, but I am still the same old me inside. The dark side of my character is something I really hate and I am trying to change it. My temper among other things, is something I need to deal with or else my slot to heaven will be as slim as Madam Ana's.

I woke up having to do business in the bathroom, then I realize I survived the night. I woke up! So I thank God for another day, another chance at life with the hope, this time, I am going to make it right, then went back to sleep (because as I said, I had a sleep-less night).

But I lost control of my temper again minutes after waking up again. And when my anger and frustration boils down, I regret having gone through that strong emotion. It just drains me out.

I wish for so many things that I may need 100 genies to grant me 300 little wishes.

Right now I will just have to bite my tongue.

That's all for now. I thank you. Bow.

In A Barbie World

Venus Raj would have won Miss U 2010 if she admitted about a regret in her life (I'm sure she has a few, who doesn't?). I closed my official FB account, with only about 800 friends, because it drives me nuts how my fb friends, including me, only posts the good things happening in our lives, the gourmet food we ate, the parties we attended, the new clothes and gadgets we just all bought, vacations and trips we went to and not pictures or posts about the lousy and crappy things happening in our daily lives (though I applaud FB for making it possible to communicate with long lost friends and family, and as a mini gmail/yahoomail/ym service).

FB has turned all of us braggarts and liars. It no longer was a platform where you can express yourself freely without judgment because your friends' list has ballooned so much that you are even friends with someone just because you were from the same hometown and yet have not said a word to each other in real life. You are even friends with your bosses.

Having all these friends, one can never really post how he hates his boss, or how happy he is because he won the lottery (balato ninong, hahaha), because they are not really friends who would understand and not judge.

Then there's the endless complaining about anything, me being guilty on this types of posts. I don't like reading it in my timeline, so now I refrain posting about rants and complains, because really, I bet only few of my friends felt what pain really is and what pains are worth complaining about, so I tend to hate those kinds of posts, and I don't find them acceptable if I were a member in the Complaints Board

What's really wrong about me is that I tend to post the opposite, blogging about the negative feelings I have, as if all about my life is gloomy. People then hypothesize that I am Depressed. Guess what, I am just depress-depressan.. hahaha

I don't know why it takes effort for me to blog about happiness, it feels like bragging and coating again. But I do have happy points in my life too. But most of it was when I was young and naive and innocent about life's hardships, cruelty and pretensions. That's why I like posting about my childhood and my family because that's the happiest things in my life.

Back to my FB account deactivation. One last reason I closed it was because at that time I was very happy, having a new boyfriend and all, I kept posting subtle but obvious 'what's on my mind' thing' and I liked the reactions and attention I got from my friends (in real life) but there other friends (only in fb, we dislike each other in real life) who I did not want to know and pry on my life. So, I closed the account.

See? I couldn't even post happy posts eventually, because I can't control who I want to be friends with because I just have to accept friends requests at most times because refusing seems so rude, even online.

In my HS yearbook, I posted in the "quote to live by" section, that's right below my name and picture, "Your Primary Responsibility In Life Is To Be Yourself".

I have an issue with being myself. I do not like to pretend. I am good and bad at it depending on the situation. I am bad at lying and pretending to my mom. I cannot contain anger. When I hate someone, she/he will know. But when I really, really like someone, in an I-love-you-let's-get-married way, he will never have an idea. But if it's just a passing crush, I tend to get obvious. I cannot stand plastikan. If there's a bet on it, I would definitely lose. I like in your face deadmahan if we dislike each other. <maldita mode> But I try my best to be courteous and polite specially to the elders and try to have conversations when I am in an awkward situation where we are not really that close yet somehow there's the need to have a conversation.. because I am friendly.. hahahaha   I hope a lot would agree.

And so I try my best to be true to myself and to my audience as well. But I am only human (kung si KC pa, babae lang ako....) I am sure I would sugar coat here and there.. >J<