Somebody Save Me

Things are definitely changing these days. I am not sure all are for the better but from where I am standing, things are moving/changing beyond my control and all I can do is stand aside and watch the things I love dear slip away and me slowly adapting new habits and convictions.

Right now I feel confused, alone and scared of the many changes I feel are coming my way. Yet at the same time, I try to brush off these fears, thinking this is just a phase, hoping this isn't permanent, and one day soon things will bounce back to where it was before. 

My mind tells me everything will be okay, that whatever happens, I will be able to handle it, just like I have before with the many disappointments and frustrations and heartbreak I had. But my body no longer have the coping ability my mind has. It's just been days of this cloud of uncertainty hovering above me, but I can slowly feel the toll it has on my body. I started to wear patch again, I sleeping position is back to when I was sick again, and I just feel this little tug, a little but heavy tug in my heart again, and getting worried knowing only one brand of medication can treat this condition I have, something my doctor, no matter how brilliant he is cannot prescribe to me.

And it's something I cannot help. I am just wired this way. And it isn't just a metaphor when I say, Love will keep me alive. Because it's one of the things that's keeping me alive (aside from God still wanting me to be alive).

So now I hope for the best and at the same time fears for the worse. I am scared the length of self-destruction I will subconsciously do to myself. It is not something I can help either. When I am hurt, I rebel and unintentionally put my life and health on the line. 

Dear God, please make everything okay and well for me sooner than later, before I can hurt myself more with this hurt and anger I try to hide. 

Good Morning Sunshine

Mornings like today, I feel a tad more grateful for waking up. Then I get to wonder if other people notice and give thanks that they have woken up today or don't really think about it, taking each morning for granted and not reflect a little on how each morning is an extension of yesterday and today is a gift really.

At times when problems come my way, specially about money, or I have squabbles with loved ones, I automatically feel like, "I hate my life, I want to die". Maybe it's my circumstance now, or I the fact that I am overly insecure about many things in my life, my hope jar is almost always empty, or I am just predisposed to get depressed because of my toxins level. At that moment of confusion and trouble, I almost always want to give up, thinking I don't have a friggin chance in this life, but not totally giving up, I wait just for another day, then things come around, my head clears up, my temper wears down, and solutions and help from out of nowhere, people, things who out of the blue help me and make my life better.

So today is Black Saturday, I am eating binignit because it's Holy Week and everyone eats binignit, not even being an HD patient can stop me from having a spoonful or.. a bowl of it. Lol.. I just want to say I am thankful and grateful for the key people in my life, for God's gift of life, which is still a good one despite being it's not.

Changing Seasons Every Now And Then

Seems like my endorphine is higher than my serotinin level these days. I'm talking about the hormones that enslaves my moods, in case you aren't familiar. On a happier side of the world right now, even a 2,000 level of creatinine (toxin in the blood with normal rate of <200) can't bring me down.

I am happy because I am preoccupied again. I love it when I am busy. It makes me want to hope and to look forward for a better tomorrow. It gives me a chance to dream and believe that one day soon things will be better. I don't want to sound ungrateful, of course I am still thankful of what I have now (than thinking what I don't have) but human as I am, I do want some better things in my life, though not the impossible things like me waking up and realize this is all but a bad dream (I am realistic about this), just for a few things like finding a sponsor other than my parents to pay for my medications or get a transplant minus ALL the hassles.

Anyway let's not talk about my sad story because I intend to blog about the happy part of me right now. :D

So remember about all the hate and the heartbreak last week? Well, that was last week! Hahaha Thank God for that! Just when I thought things will turn for the worse, my life have been better than it was a week before last week.

My lovelife is better after the storm. Turns out C wanted to stay and loves me really after all. He even brought his dog Shadow to our house when he came back! Now I still have my man, a dog and a hobby to keep me busy and earning (though a little at a time, but hey, great things start with small beginnings right?)

So today I woke up refreshed but my butt muscles hurt a little from all the sitting I did last monday to make my goodies! One day soon, when I could perfect the process I can go public. But right now, it's just a few friends and family to try and buy.. Sort of testing phase but I need to sell them to recover the costs! hahaha

I really just hope I could keep up this excited level and could go on and make an earning out of this.

This, and my online job is getting okay. Scheduled training will be next week. I was hoping it be this week so I could start clocking already. But patience is a virtue!

I just really need to be my own pep squad, cheering in my head "You can do this, Sandy!" hahaha

And oh, just really want to thank God for all the friends and family and family and friends's friends for being nice to me and helping out in their little or big ways. I have always thought how I feel like they are my angels sometimes. Whenever help is given out of the blue, or do a favor that definitely makes my life so much easier. Thanks a bunch! But I still do pray, one day soon, someone will be able to help us on our medication expenses. Maybe not out of their own pockets but I know in many ways, help could be given.