Bipolar Mode

The past days, I've been pretty unproductive and bored. I get motivated at doing something then lose interest the next day. It's a never ending battle with myself.

There's just so many things I want to do, to get done and so little opportunities, resources and strength.

Ten Years

A doctor once told me I'd be lucky if I get to live 10 years on HD. 15 years if I live in Japan.

I started at 24, add 10 years to that, and Goodbye Earth at 34, that according to medical standards.

The past 2 years and 8 months, I accepted my fate without protest. I had to. It was easier that way to accept what happened than rebel against it. But now, I feel like, all this acceptance makes me think, have I given up my future and live the remaining years I have, or should I fight for a better future, a future where I can somehow live a life where I can have choices, and I will have chances?

Getting a transplant gives hope that somehow I could live well beyond 34. But now that I think about it, when the time comes for my kidneys to fail again, the cycle will go over again, Me getting dialysis. At that time, maybe I'd have no financing for HD anymore. Buying time, that's what transplant provides. But it comes with a high price. A risk that anytime before I reach 34 that I might die too, in an instant, just one infection and Poof! 

Wanting to get a transplant makes me human. It's natural to Want for transplant. It's not natural to just accept and move on. All this time, I have suppressed the dreams of getting married, having kids, growing old, because it will just make my life right now hard, and my way of dealing with depressing thoughts like wanting those things but not getting them is to just entirely delete that fantasy.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Fear precedes every thought about happiness. It's easier to choose the negative or to be passive. But it doesn't get me anywhere.

I could spend years and years circling around this idea in my head or I could get a transplant, while pondering in this thread of thought, then 2 years will pass without me noticing it, and Boom! I get a brand new start at life! 

But will there be a better life for me after transplant? I guess I need to believe I'd have. Or else I really won't have. 

If only anyone knows the kind of life I have in mind. I really don't think transplant life will any way remotely similar to what I have in mind. As I said, thoughts of blissful happiness scares me. Failure scares me. The dreams I have will probably remain dreams after transplant. (I will be seriously depressed by then).

Only upside will be, I get to eat truckloads of fruits and veggies and I can pee! hahahaha

i totally forgot what it feels like to pee! :D

Friends as Angels

When I got sick, I had no choice but to scale down my life, my thoughts and my plans. Everything is in slow motion. It was a bummer for someone who lives in haze, always chasing something (gee, not someone, or didn't I? hahaha) and always dreaming and planning for something grand in life.

ESRD (End Stage Renal Failure) changed that. And even I could not believe how I managed to adapt this attitude and way of thinking in a snap. But I know I had to. Even back then, it stuck in my head what Mandy Moore said in A Walk To Remember. She said "I do not want to be angry with God. God has better plans for me than I have for myself". And also this personal plea to God I made when I passed the board exam, saying "God, if my plans will make me a bad person, then by all means, take it away. Your will be done."

With this at heart, it did not really hurt or I wasn't really angry when the things I thought was best for me was taken from me. Separation anxiety yes, but I think my faith is far greater than I think it is. Maybe that's why I am able to breeze through my situation with a smile because I realized early on that there are things that are out of our control.

I learned to be patient. I learned to let go of unnecessary feelings (this was hard, but I think I should say I am learning, haha). But there are things that are hard to change. I am still feisty. And I still get annoyed when someone/something bugs me. 

But I also learned to appreciate and recognize God's everyday little miracles in my life. Blessings I noticed before I got sick, but seldom do I say "Wow, you're my angel", like a direct gift from God.

My angels are in the form of friends. Old friends, new friends. I am glad I have them all.

My old friends, I love them and keep them close to my heart because they are the living proof that I am a nice person, contrary to popular notion. hehe.. They are like walking diaries of me as a person too. They are like sisters or cousins that you grown up with and just have that special bond.

Friends truly are angels. They help me out with getting on with my daily life. I have to admit I need others to help me through with my days, be it doing the grocery, just someone to talk to, taking care of me when I get sick, and others help me out with my medical needs.. (For a time, a lot of nurses were my angels too. I truly did appreciate their kindness and friendship to me. But a witch strayed some of them away. hahaha.. )

I got inspired to write this piece because, admittedly, we are tightening our belts now with our finances, so it's such a blessing when a family friend donated a week's worth of dialysis fee, then some family members handed out medical supplies for over a month. That's already a huge help! And these helps always come in the time when we really need it.

So I just really want to thank these people even through this blog and let them know how grateful i am with their thoughtfulness.

PRICE TAG

Cost Of Sustaining an Adult Child on Dialysis (MONTHLY)


Dialysis Cost....................................P15,500 or $370.00
Epogen Injection................................P 4,400 or $105.00
Medicine Maintenance........................P 1,300 or $ 31.00
Dialyzer............................................ P 2,800 or $67.00
TOTAL.............................................P24,000 or $ 572.00

COST OF LIVING
FOOD...........................................P4,200 or $100
HOUSE.........................................P3,500 or $ 83
POWER........................................P2,500 or $60       
TOTAL.........................................P10,200 or $243

GRAND TOTAL...............................P34,200 OR $815.00


My dad has been out of work for 5 months now, and our savings are fast draining. With this rate and only our means to support my medication, I don't think I get to live for the years i still want to.

Sad reality of my situation. My mind is racing as to what gigs to do in order to earn money to add to our medication fund. And I could only do much. Sometimes I feel so trapped in this weak body, my mind so agile but my body could not keep up. I consciously have to slow down my thoughts and my plans so that my body can keep up with it.

But I pray, pray, pray... Asking for God for good graces. Not just money. But good health for me, for my parents, brother and loved ones. I pray that my friends and family be rich so that they will be able to share their blessings to me too when they feel generous.

Money scares the hell out of me. i believe one should not live to worry about money. One should not worry about money. People should only be worried about relationship with God and with people. Not with money.

But I live in the real world now. My bubble was burst years ago. That life is just a dream now. I know it once happened. I won't get to wonder if that life we had ever happened, because I know it did.  Because when I was in it, I did not take it for granted. I lived everyday through it, grateful about having a good life that we had.

Today is still a good life. I could not complain. I am still so far blessed. No point really of being depressed of a life lost because I was always taught that nothing lasts forever so cherish something while you can.

One thing I know, I don't want my parents to go poor. They don't deserve it. They are the most loving and the best people I know. I just love them so much that I wish the best for them.

One way or another, I have to find a way to keep us safe and comforted.

One thing I need to learn though. To not be scared of death. I need to grow in me that if I am to be the Christian that I should be, I should not be afraid of death. Death is one step closer to be with the Creator. I need to learn how to be a good Christian. It's a hard job. I have not even memorized THE 10 COMMANDMENTS. but i know I honor my mother and father.

Insatiable, The Way I'm Loving You

I am obsessive. Not the neatfreak type, but in the indulgent/hedonist kind. I have been obsessive before I got sick, but since I got diagnosed, I give in to my obsessive tendency more passionately than before to the point that my moods and will to live depend on having something or someone to obsess with.

When I want, or like something, I would want to use it, or smell it, or taste it or do whatever sense it ignites in me as often as I could and when I am over it, I kind of not want it anymore ever at all.

I have obsessed with a lot of stuffs the past years I am sick. Jollibee's peach mango pie, I would eat 6 pies in a day, siomai from chowking every dialysis session for months, my once favorite pairs of shoes (one pair at a time, I would use it for straight 3 months for example, and not use it for the next 6 months), using one bag everyday for months.

Since getting sick, maybe out of sheer boredom, I developed a very keen sense of smell. My brother would tease me I am a sniffing dog because my nose buds are just so sensitive.. I would obsessively pour cleaning agents in my bathroom and forbid everyone else to use it because I just could not stand the smell of pee. Now that I need to share the bathroom, I always have a stash of cleaning powder at hand, and pour out generous amount everytime I smell a hint of pee.

Albatross. Can I just say, I am obsessed with that thing? Is there anyone else who likes to smell albatross even outside the bathroom? I know it's not good for me, but I just can't help it. I have that little bomb 24/7 in the bathroom, in my bedroom and in the kitchen. I would sniff on it for about 2 times, and then I feel like I would throw up. And then I get a little high. When doing grocery, it's the first aisle I go to.

Apart from Albatross, I do love the smell of detergents. My favorite aisle in the grocery would have to be the laundry powder detergents. I would linger in it for minutes before choosing my favorite cheap brand.

With clothes, well I need to change clothes everyday, don't I? But I was never a fashion conscious type of woman in the sense that, I don't care if my clothes are outdated, not in fashion for as long as they are comfortable and not baduy to look at.

I guess it helps that I am not fashion conscious and I like to obsess about one thing at a time because I don't have to spend serious money just to gratify an obsession with fashion. I even envy girls who are into fashion, and I admire their love for fashion because that is not something I could feel for. Maybe they don't envy me for wanting to have the latest issues of Yummy or Entrepreneur or my frustration over a new Paulo Coelho book I could not afford to buy, but I strongly believe our obsession for those 2 different things are equally passionate.

There's one gratification that gives me a little high and kick of excitement. Buying new things! I am a girl after all. But aside from books that makes me happy like drug addicts would feel when they get high, I like buying beauty products. Being sick makes me obsessed with my physical appearance. Weight, not so much. But with skin, I am totally into trying to make it look as normal as I could, and try to hide the effects of dialysis in it.

I went to the derma the other day because I freaked on a dry patch of skin in my lower lip, and he said it's dry skin.. Good thing I bought a stash of HHN products hoping it could quench the dryness of my face and body. So now, everday, I browse at HHN's website undecided whether or not I will register or not, weighing the pros and cons of it, where I could save the most.

Also these days, I am obsessed with earning money. It's why I am having pimples. It is by far the most stressful obsession I have. There is that desire in me that I know I can succeed with whatever raket I make myself do but I just don't have the guts and the confidence I can do it.. But I will have to work on it out.

Getting sick gives me the privilege to indulge on whatever I set my mind with for as long as it's legal and safe for my health. There is that sense of urgency in sick people like me. The need to express what I have in mind, what I feel, to express love, anger, and frustration with much more gusto than unsick people. To experience the things I want to experience while I still can.