The Dream I Had

I do not like sleeping alone. If I had to, the light has to be on the whole night through. Being alone scares me. I couldn't sleep well, and if i did manage to sleep, I get nightmares. So i slip in and out of consciousness as I try my hardest to wake myself up everytime the dreams get scary. And my heart beats so fast that I sometimes think that maybe I would die of nightmare, which makes me dread sleeping alone more.

Last night the dream was different from the usual scary dreams, dreams about the other beings. Last night I dreamt I was dying, not in an HD day way, in a hard-to-breathe kind of way, but more like my time is up and I had to close my eyes and wait for my soul to separate from my body. So during my last moments, I was saying I Love You to my mom, it was just my mom and the nurses and Dr. G. To help me with my transition, Dr. G gave me a sleeping pill, it was a big pill I need to swallow so I will just drift to my death and all the while I was waiting for the medicine to effect, I was telling mom over and over again that I love her. 

Then I woke up. And til now I am disturbed by it.

Human Heart Nature for Dialysis Patients

I have been using HHN Strengthening Shampoo and Conditioner for over a month now and my friends and family have noticed my hair is fuller and shinier, a far cry from the limp, dry and falling hair normal for dialysis patients. Yes, I am a hemodialysis (HD) patient for over 2 years now and I am glad I have found HHN products to help me combat the effects of hemodialysis.

Before I only use a certain brand of shampoo to avoid having dandruffs but HHN's strengthening shampoo and conditioner won me over with its anti-dandruff properties. This is the first shampoo other than the one I was used to that can address my dandruff issues.

I also use the Sunflower Beauty Oil as body moisturizer and I have to say, it's the best product I have had so far for my uber-dry and itchy skin. Also, I am quite surprised and amazed how it also doubles as deodorant and doesn't smell even after 24 hours of application. The beauty oil really delivers what it promises.

My only complain is the Body Butter (Mango). It's smells so good enough to eat, so good that fruitflies hover around me whenever I am out of the house waiting for the bus which I find a little annoying.

I still have yet to try the other products but for the ones I have used, I recommend it to other Dialysis patients out there who are having skin and hair problems.

Everyday Miracle

i find it ironic how i pray that one day i wake up well and realize all the years i was sick was just an extended bad dream but i don't believe that a miracle like my kidneys getting well is possible but i believe and in awe of the miracle of having a supportive family and loving friends around me and help make my life less difficult and despite losing some of the things i want for myself, sometimes gracefully, other times bitterly, I still think I am blessed and loved and have no deep regrets. I question some things but i just hold on to the fact that God would never give me anything I cannot handle.

I am feeling melancholic today because of the passing of some patients who have become my friends and my companions over the years I am on dialysis and truthfully their deaths makes me question my own mortality and it's as if life is showing me the many ways I will die in this world. 

What I wish really is to die peacefully in my sleep, but God please give me more time to live and be with my family. I know being with God is the best thing to happen to anyone but right now I still want to live a bit more so that my family won't be sad about not having me anymore.

Which now makes me think of how I am living my life. I really have to change my way of living now. Will have to devote my thoughts and actions to my faith because really, I have the time to prepare my soul to go heaven. I have this chance. I must change now the way I see things, to prioritize what is important in life. I must make everyday count and not waste it anymore on things that don't really matter.

one thing i really want to change about myself is my fascination with material things. I am not materialistic, never was. but i am human, and a woman at that, and there are few things i want to have for myself, things that are not necessary but want them anyway. but these petty things, things i know that are not essential are the things that makes me feel bad about my situation. Wanting is evil because it makes 

me discontented with what or where i am right now.

But dear Lord, please bless us with prosperity and good health. that's really what i pray for the most. Life is so vurnerable and I dont' want anymore problems aside from what we already have.

Dear Lord, please guide us always and keep us all from harm.