Escape to Paradise

I am probably suppressing depression these days because I have been indulging with my brand of drug - endorphins! Not to worry there, it's perfectly natural. I am not going to tell you what because it's kinda embarrassing let alone sad. But it makes me happy when I am in that state and everything is possible when my endorphins are on high. 

Hopes and dreams are in the horizon again, which makes me a little happy and well, hopeful in my more somber hours. But again I remind myself to slow down with the plans and being hopeful because I don't like to be crashed when plans don't push through and it creates another problem as to how to cheer myself up again.

Now that I think of it, I am reminded of the song dad used to sing me to sleep when I was a kid. Back then I thought the song is a very sad song. Who knew that song would perfectly fit my circumstance now. Is it a mere coincidence or was it a hint even at a very young age that I am my life is going to be like this?

Other thoughts:

I learned about a very disturbing incident with a necrophilia which made me a bit worried when I am dead. But then I remember I am sure Uncle MC will make sure I will be respected at that point in time of my life (is it still part of my life? haha).. He's an assistant embalmer after all! I am confident he won't let something like that happen to me.

Which reminds me at the time when I had a procedure done at NKTI.. I am not sure what it's called but something to do with checking the large intestines. So I was given a sedative and was told to lower my undies.. Then I was put out. #scary The next thing I know, I woke up on a gurney in a corridor waiting for my next laboratory procedure with my undies on, of course.. I had no recollection as to what happened to me for a whole hour (or less). I did not even dreamed or anything! As in I just passed out.

Henry + Lucy

I am currently going through something right now which I just can't share yet, or maybe ever, but who knows.

So I will try to skirt away with the issue but as you may know me, I tend to give myself away with my endless rants.

So okay, I want to talk about my relationship because I don't talk about it here much because it's one of the few things that makes me so happy and I only tend to write about things that pisses me off. I don't want those who will read this blog years after I am gone that I was such a lonely old maid.

For the record, right now, and for the past 15 months, I am a happy woman. hahaha

When I got sick, I lost the things that I thought my life was all about. Career, independence, lovelife (this last thing was the best thing to ever happen, you'll find out why in a bit). Literally,  I woke up at 7:30 on that fateful Friday morning, July 26, 2008 and the life I know seemed like the last night's dream. Days, months and now years, that followed that day was an endless and countless trips to different doctors and hospitals and clinics to get 2nd, 3rd and even 4th opinion on the first diagnosis that they have on me. That I, Sandra Nikolai Torres, CPA, 23 years old have and END STAGE RENAL FAILURE and will soon be on dialysis.

I lost all hope. Since I was a kid, all I really want in life is to fall in love and be loved by the same person. I know it may sound silly to many, but to each his own, right? It may be easy for many to have that, but it was a dream for me because I was not carved to be in a relationship. You see, I am an independent, go-getter kind of gal and my other dream, the one I was set to achieve was to become very rich and successful because I wanted to give my parents a luxurious retirement.

When I got sick, that piece of ___ broke up with me. But as I said, it was the best thing to have happened with me getting sick. But I also thought that now that I am sick, there's no way I will ever have a boyfriend again. Who would like me? And besides I am always in the hospital, there's no way I'd get to meet someone new to be more than friends with, right?

Wrong. hahaha

Then C came along and everything seems a little brighter and I am whole lot happier..I hate to admit it, but yes, I am one lucky girl. hahaha

Before C, I never have much thought about the future because I don't have one (just being a realist here). But with C now, I hope for a better future. I hope I will still be here when the future comes. I hope for many things, but all of this with C in it. Am I nurturing a false hope? Maybe. But right now I don't care, I am happy where I am now. So come what may! When this ends, I will be devastated but right now I can say, it will be worth it.

I love you C. And thanks for making me happy everyday.