Weekend Melancholy

Today is Saturday, and I am feeling melancholic.
Just that, right here, right now, i wish to be doing something out there at the park, strolling, watching people pass by, instead of being here at home, staring at this screen, writing about what i want to do and not actually out there acting it all out.

I am tempted to post WANTED FRIEND on Facebook but that would be too pathetic of me. And people are quick to decide i have a pathetic life.

I long to connect to someone who likes to be with me. Who enjoys my company. And Im not even thinking of a boyfriend. just a friend. Who would lend me some happiness and joy. Some feelings that I dont have to generate by myself.

I could take my dogs out. But they are for too energetic than me that i wont be able to keep up with them.

I just want to go to the park.

And talk. About a lot of things. About life, love, meaning life and existence, about death, about God.

I remember those many afternoons and nights, with different people, at different times of my life where we'd sit there in one of those benches, and just talk and talk and talk. It's like being in a little secret cave where everything else move and you and your friend are in a frozen dimension.

I love that feeling. When nothing seems to matter. When you are aware that the world is moving simultaneously somewhere as yours seems to be frozen.

That moment when you are on a busy street and  you look up to the sky and see it's a full moon and then you marvel at its beauty, and wonder if other people in the city notice that very beautiful scene just hanging above them.

I miss obsessing someone. I miss pouring out love and affection to someone. I miss having someone dote on me.

I am Sandy. I am invisible.

Antibiotics: A Friend And A Foe

It's that time of my life again, when I have to take antibiotics.
The last multi drug cocktail i  had was when I was still starting medications when i got diagnosed with IgA Nephropathy about 5 years ago, which was not a pleasant experience at all.
I thought I was going crazy, sitting upright takes too much effort and the nausea.. uh, that dizzying feeling that I can't understand whether to throw up or hold it down.
Sleep was my refuge, it's the only thing to do really.

Fast forward to today, I again am ordered to take this 3 combo antibiotics to fight off some nasty bacteria somewhere. And the old feeling is back again. The only good thing about this time is I am aware of its sick side effects. Now I couldn't stay on the computer for long. Maybe this time just enough to finish this blog. I even asked for offdays from my employers since i couldn't stay up for too long.

And the insatiable hunger and thirst! This is the harder part. Long ago I have learned the art of eating less but feeling full all the time. But now with these meds, it's different. I am always sleepy and hungry and when I've eaten just enough to coat my stomach with food so it wont be damaged by the harsh antibiotics, I get nauseated right after. Which makes me want to sleep again, to control it. All these would have been okay if I won't have to get up to cook my own food, which is a total bummer during my sick days.

The story of my life.

I really want to get that transplant soon!

This gets tiring.

The Time Is Now

I did have my denial days. This is when I try to convince myself or tell myself I must have another life after this life, because this life sucks. like big time.

But then when i get sane, when the time comes where i brush off my desperations aside, i know this is the only life i have, might as well make the most of it, and for as long as i am breathing, I will try to make my dreams come true.

But I am never the same person before I am sick.

I know now my life is not governed by my whims, but with God's.

Don't get me wrong, or don't get the wrong impression that I don't have a good relationship with God before I got sick.

It's just that before all this happened, I was so sure about my life. I grew up thinking that if i just follow the right path, be a good daughter and heck,a citizen of the Philippines, I will succeed. I didn't put God in the equation much as i am putting him now. God was just in the backburners, silently supporting me, me taking for granted his presence and everlating love and understanding.

Now I understand that my life is nothing, my plans are nothing if God did not allow it. It took me a while to understand that life is not all about my effort, that it must be with God's blessing as well.

Today's lesson was about the heart. that what's inside your heart is what you are

And I did some examining on my heart. and right now, all i wanted is just to try to be a good person. does that make me a good person? as B once put it "if you think you know, the more you don't know". So I cannot say I am a good person, maybe I am, I hope I am, because that's what my heart is, but everyday, it's always a work in progress. so many things i still need to pass to be able to describe myself as a smart, good and wise as the Bible describes these characteristics.

To love unconditionally. For a while, i keep on longing to find true love, to experience true love. But then i realize, I am the True Love. I am the one that should be seek. That should be found. 

I have love in front of me. It's not perfect, as i overlook if for not being true love. but this is love, if not, i dont know what is. And I have to summon all patience and understanding as any True Lover must possess for love and relationship to endure. So that at the end of my life i could say, I loved unconditionally. Was I loved back? It doesnt matter. I will be judged for the things I did and not for what others did for me. That is their own crosses to carry.

Family, the next best thing after God. I just could not think what my life would be, given the disease i have if not for them. I thank God everyday for being born to my family. Truly, GOd has made plans for me even before i was born. that i was wanted even before i was born.

To be a good person, that's just what i  want to be right now,and it's not the easiest thing to do. it's hard, hard everyday to free my heart of anger, of bitterness, of pain. 

May the words of God, guide me everyday to change these rotten parts of me. 

2013:Wishing and Hoping

A client recently told me, after detailing his plans for his business, "2013 is my year".

That stopped me for a few seconds, then saying to myself," This is my year too!".

I like New Years, because it's the time when we all can be hopeful for a better year, for a better life. This year could be the year of so many things to people- new job, new car, new place to be, new role to become. I have a friend who will turn into a wife this year.

Me? I want 2 things this year. Get rich to get a transplant. ha! That's what 'Hitting two birds with one stone" in there.

January brought in good tidings to me. Finally my endless hours and months spent on odesk has finally started to pay off. I finally receive payments that put a dent in to my ever needy medical expense.

I brought a printer which hopefully could bring in some business income. hahahah! cheap huh, but that's okay. i am a firm believer of how great things start from small beginnings... MILO lang ang peg.

Also, hopefully (notice the excessive use of HOPE),  I can raise enough money to buy a coffee vending machine which will hopefully (there it goes again), generate me some passive income too. i just wish there will still be rainy days in the coming months so coffee will become a hit.

I just wish I could raise the money to setup a convenience store back home, now that Election period is coming.

Ah, so much plan! So much potential! So little energy and money! hahaha Oh well, in time, with perseverance, I will get all the things I want. After all, I do get what I want if I just work on getting it, don't I?