Keep me Pinterested

Having 'unclean' blood most of the time (it gets 'cleaned' only during dialysis), I tend to be down, not totally depressed, but more like uninspired. And I hate it when I am uninspired because it makes me question whether or not I still have a future or what good does it make if I get to live/hope for many years to come and nothing to live for? I hate it when my life seems unexciting, or nothing inspires me or thrills me because I just sulk a little and get into mood swings that annoy loved ones.

And so everyday, I try to find things that livens up my bored and monotonous life (that's me being ungrateful, sorry). Right now I am still waiting for Pinterest invite so I can make a virtual collage of things that drifts me off to sleep, kinda private (is it just me or does that sound a little kinky? LOL). I plan not to share it yet, maybe soon, I hope not too soon but one day I will get to share it.

I am waltzing in the kitchen now too which I never got to do growing up. School, boarding house, and work kept me out of the kitchen most of the time. Though I know a few baking skills. And I am rediscovering cooking right now with ingredients I never got to use before and I am always surprised if the dish is eatable and get rave review by well, one loyal patron. hahaha, It's so fun to cook and be able to eat it too, but I hate the dishwashing after. 

I hate this cycle lang, of being hyper then down then hyper again then down again. It just goes on and on and on and I can't help what I feel. But it's good right, being able to feel means I am still alive and I am still human, so I might as well jump in the cart and enjoy this rollercoaster kind of life.

Transplant, Musings, and Permanent Residency in Heaven

Women my age probably worry themselves about their relationships, at what age to marry, where to have vacations, what to wear and any other women my age worry about. 

I, on the other hand, worry about what to finance my ongoing-until-forever dialysis treatment and the most important decision I will ever have to make, even more important than choosing the man to marry, whether or not I will get a transplant and that decision has to be made sooner than later before the complications of being on dialysis catches up and I will no longer be a candidate for transplant.

Tough spot to be in right now. I so want a transplant now but it scares the hell out of me. It scares me because I do not understand why I want to live so badly. It feels like that is very un-Christian of me to want to live longer. Have I become so worldly now to want to hold on to this life for as long as I can? I hold on to living because it's the only life I know, the uncertainty of death scares me. And this itself scares me more because it only means I don't trust God that much and what he promises in the afterlife if I have these worries, right? I need to chalk up on my faith more now, so that I won't have these worries and thoughts. But I am a big procrastinator. I really have to work on my faith asap.

Back on transplant, I was not in a hurry about it before, thinking the need and the resources will come at the right time. Now, two of the conditions have been met, 1) Transplant can now be done in CDO, and 2) I have desired to get a transplant now.

Other concerns I will have to work on it now, the financing and of course, The Donor. I still don't have a donor right now but I am hoping to get one soon.

But all these things have to wait on hold until Dad goes back to work again, and Brother can join him as well as Henry. 

It's been almost 4 years since I woke up on that fateful Friday morning in this living nightmare. But this nightmare I have come to embrace, accept, loved and thankful of, because nightmare as it is, it is the only life I get to live now. The people around me, the people loving me and making my life a whole lot easier for me to live on, are the ones giving it color and sunshine and makes me appreciate what I have instead of pining for the things I don't have. I feel blessed because God gave me this opportunity to appreciate and be thankful for the every comfort I have and have experienced while I was well.

I always believed that LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT but I changed my view when I got sick, because I realized there are things that are out of our control, but after taking the backseat for a while, sulking, thinking how unfair life is sometimes, and after realizing that I still have a chance to be better while I am still breathing, I realized that I still have a choice, that  I can still have a  LIFE AS I MAKE IT even as a sick person. I just have to do what I can given the limited resources I have (and I mean, the energy, health and limited activities I can do) and I am all set making my life better. Preparing my spirit to be a permanent resident in heaven.

As my college classmate used to say, ANG IMPORTANTE MAHILANGIT.. :D