But then when i get sane, when the time comes where i brush off my desperations aside, i know this is the only life i have, might as well make the most of it, and for as long as i am breathing, I will try to make my dreams come true.
But I am never the same person before I am sick.
I know now my life is not governed by my whims, but with God's.
Don't get me wrong, or don't get the wrong impression that I don't have a good relationship with God before I got sick.
It's just that before all this happened, I was so sure about my life. I grew up thinking that if i just follow the right path, be a good daughter and heck,a citizen of the Philippines, I will succeed. I didn't put God in the equation much as i am putting him now. God was just in the backburners, silently supporting me, me taking for granted his presence and everlating love and understanding.
Now I understand that my life is nothing, my plans are nothing if God did not allow it. It took me a while to understand that life is not all about my effort, that it must be with God's blessing as well.
Today's lesson was about the heart. that what's inside your heart is what you are
And I did some examining on my heart. and right now, all i wanted is just to try to be a good person. does that make me a good person? as B once put it "if you think you know, the more you don't know". So I cannot say I am a good person, maybe I am, I hope I am, because that's what my heart is, but everyday, it's always a work in progress. so many things i still need to pass to be able to describe myself as a smart, good and wise as the Bible describes these characteristics.
To love unconditionally. For a while, i keep on longing to find true love, to experience true love. But then i realize, I am the True Love. I am the one that should be seek. That should be found.
I have love in front of me. It's not perfect, as i overlook if for not being true love. but this is love, if not, i dont know what is. And I have to summon all patience and understanding as any True Lover must possess for love and relationship to endure. So that at the end of my life i could say, I loved unconditionally. Was I loved back? It doesnt matter. I will be judged for the things I did and not for what others did for me. That is their own crosses to carry.
Family, the next best thing after God. I just could not think what my life would be, given the disease i have if not for them. I thank God everyday for being born to my family. Truly, GOd has made plans for me even before i was born. that i was wanted even before i was born.
To be a good person, that's just what i want to be right now,and it's not the easiest thing to do. it's hard, hard everyday to free my heart of anger, of bitterness, of pain.
May the words of God, guide me everyday to change these rotten parts of me.
